I Know You Know
by SKDanielle16
Summary: Just a few days after Dimitri says his love has faded, something happens between him and Rose. Rose has no idea what to make of it, but when it keeps happening, she can't hold back. But does it mean anything? Is it just for comfort? Does Rose only do it because she loves him? What's his reason? Rated M. RxD. Read & Review! Song by Empires
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: **Here's the opening chapter of a story that's been on my mind for a while. I've put _Winter Winds_ on hold for the time being, so if you're waiting for an update there, it might be a while before there is one. I hope you enjoy this, and will want to read more enough to review! I'd like to know what you think._  
_

**Disclaimer: **Richelle Mead owns Vampire Academy

_**The Beginning...**_

Closing the door quietly behind me, I left the room where something monumental had just happened. Making sure no one was in the hallway, I cleared my throat and wrapped his duster tighter around my body. It smelt exactly like him.

Sighing as I made my way down the hall, I rubbed the collar against my cheek and found comfort in its warmth. If I couldn't cuddle up with Dimitri tonight, then his jacket would have to do.

As I stepped into the elevator, I wondered what Dimitri's reaction would be when he woke up and realized that his duster and I were gone.

He'd probably be relieved that I was gone, but his favorite jacket? Oh, he'd be pissed.

Satisfaction spread through me as I made it out of the building. Taking his jacket meant he'd have to talk to me again, and I wasn't about to let the opportunity go. Especially now that I need to talk to him about tonight.

It was safe to say that Dimitri would avoid me after what just happened, but that just wouldn't do for me. I wasn't going to let him stay out of my life, no matter his excuse. No matter how many times he confused me, hurt me, or tried to push me away.

When he told me his love had faded a couple days ago, he must've thought that I'd give up... He obviously forgot how frustrating I could be when I wanted - no, needed - something. And I needed him.

I thought that much was obvious when I went through hell and back to restore his soul. Oh, excuse me, I thought to myself bitterly, when Lissa restored his soul.

Now frustrated, I rushed back to my room at court, keeping my head down as I passed the few people who were around at this time. It was very late so there were only a couple people around - mostly guardians patrolling the ground. Thankfully, no one acknowledged me, or that I know of. I wasn't really paying attention.

My mind was back in Dimitri's room, remembering the way he cautiously touched me.

When I got back into my room, I plumped down on the bed and used the duster as a blanket.

If this was a perfect world, the duster would still be on Dimitri's floor, and I'd still be in his bed, maybe even in his arms.

But this wasn't a perfect world. No, life would always be hard for me. It seemed like every time I achieved something great, another issue would stand in my way. Surely, no one else's life was this hard.

Groaning, I tossed and turned for an hour and so, and then finally, when I knew that I wouldn't get any sleep tonight, I reached for my phone.

For a moment, I contemplated what I was about to do.

Lissa was probably sleeping right now, but I needed her.

We had drifted apart over the last few weeks, because she was too busy defending Dimitri, and telling me to stay away from him so he could heal, but she was my best friend, and I knew she would always be there for me.

So I dialed her number and waited until her voice groggily came over the line.

"Rose?"

I waited a moment before mumbling, "Hey."

I heard some shuffling on the line, and talking. Probably Christian asking what I wanted. Lissa's voice came over the phone once more, "Rose? What's going on? Are you okay? It's late."

Twiddling my thumbs anxiously, which was very unlike me, I came up with a dumb response, "I know it's late. I just -" faltering a bit, I garnered up the courage to ask her to come over. "I know it's late, but I need you right now." My voice cracked and tears flooded my eyes.

For some reason, now that I was going to talk about what happened out loud, it started hitting home, and I was becoming emotional. Gosh, Lissa must be freaking out inside. She knew I'd only be crying if something big happened.

"Rose? Okay, honey, I'm on my way." _I knew she wouldn't let me down._ Smiling sadly to myself, I hung up the phone and waited.

The tears had yet to fall, and I had enough strength to push them away for the time being, but I knew once Liss got here, the gates would open and I would start crying.

I had no idea what to think of what had happened a couple hours ago with Dimitri. I didn't know what it meant.

After it happened, I tried to make the most of it, but it was kind of hard. Especially with the way he hardly looked at me during, or the way he called my name desperately at the end.

He sounded so sad, so tortured, that I knew he would want me gone when he woke up.

It was horrible to think that something so precious to me could unsettle him so much. I knew without a doubt that I loved him with everything in me, and for some time I was confident that I could say the same for him, but now I wasn't so sure.

_He could hardly stand me touching him after. _I cringed.

I was lost in thoughts when a knock came at the door. Rushing over, I opened it and threw myself into Lissa's arms. I noticed two guardians were with her, but they stayed behind at her request. Without a doubt, they'd stay stationed outside the door all night if needed be.

She walked me over to my bed, where Dimitri's duster lay, wrinkled.

A weird sound came out of her mouth, and I knew she wanted to ask why it was here. But, she stayed silent, and rocked me for a bit when we sat down.

After I had settled down a bit, she looked me in the eyes and asked affectionately, "What's wrong, Rose?"

I wiped at my eyes and tried to regain some of the attitude I carried around most of the time. I was always so strong, and hard, and didn't bat an eye at anyone who tried to hurt me, or anything for that matter. I was usually a rock, and nothing affected me.

Well, nothing, except Dimitri. He always affected me.

Sighing for what felt like the millionth time, I cleared my throat and delved into my story...


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:** Here's the flashback. I'm presenting it as a regular chapter on its own, but remember that this is what happened before Rose sneaked out of Dimitri's place. I hope you enjoy this rather sad chapter. Read & Review! Keep in mind I don't use a beta, so any mistakes are my own.

**Disclaimer: **Richelle Mead owns Vampire Academy.

_**The Night that Changed Everything...**_

I didn't try to find Dimitri until a couple days after he'd said his love for me was gone.

There were a couple of reasons for that.

First, Adrian was intent on keeping me close, because of our intimate night together. And secondly, I didn't try to find Dimitri because I was hurt. He hurt me more than ever by saying he didn't love me anymore... after I had done so much for him.

When I got out of bed, after sleeping through the first half of the day, I eyed my phone after it vibrated once again. I didn't even bother to check who the message was from. I already knew it was Adrian texting me, once again.

Not bothering to read the message, I pressed ignore and went to the bathroom. As I went through my normal morning routine, though it was almost nighttime, my mind wandered to Adrian and I's relationship.

After drinking from me, he figured I was completely into being with him. That wasn't exactly the case, but how could I say that I had only gone to him for comfort? I'd rather let him believe what he wanted than tell him it was a mistake.

Now I was ignoring him. It was horrible of me, but I didn't have the patience or courage to deal with that right now.

The few days that had passed between that day and now had given me some insight.

If Dimitri believed that Lissa had been the one who restored him, than I'd let him. In time, he might see the truth, but he was too stubborn right now and trying to change what he thought would only spur more arguments between us.

I didn't like fighting with him, unless it was sparring.

As I got dressed, I decided that I'd talk to him today. Talk was the key word, not argue. Though I wasn't completely sure if that was possible.

Before I knew it, I was at his door.

There was only one guard stationed at the door. I bit my tongue, trying to behave this time. I didn't need to cause a scene between the guard and I. The fact that anyone thought Dimitri was still Strigoi made me want to yell. It was obvious he wasn't, but these idiots still watched him like a hawk, waiting to see if he decided to kill anyone.

Yeah. That's not going to happen.

I eyed him annoyingly, and knocked on the door softly.

A moment later, Dimitri opened the door a tiny bit, his eyes widening at the sight of me, and then his brow furrowed. Already I seemed to stress him out. _It shouldn't be this way_, I thought.

He brought a hand to the bridge of his nose and bit out, "I thought I told you to leave me alone, Rose."

I pushed him aside and walked into the room. The two of us were alone, which I found surprising, because I thought a guard would've been stationed inside his room. At least he had his privacy. Well, not now, since I barged in here.

Sighing loudly, Dimitri told the guard something that made him leave his post, then Dimitri shut the door. I made myself comfortable on his bed, while he kept his distance, remaining by the door.

My eyes looked over him, hungrily. Like always, he was gorgeous, and the sight of him would always tug at my heart. He wore a black plain t-shirt and sweats. Oh how I wanted to get him out of those clothes.

After realizing that I was staring, I cleared my throat and lifted my eyes from his torso to his face. He had an eyebrow raised questioningly, and then I remember that I was there for a reason.

"So, Dimitri..." I found myself at a loss. What the hell was I supposed to say? The last time he spoke to me, he broke my heart.

He crossed his arms, and suddenly, I felt uncomfortably nervous. This was Dimitri. Why was conversation with him so hard? I usually had everything to say to him, but with his judgmental gaze on me, I struggled to find words.

"Um."

Dimitri sighed again and his hand went to the door knob. "Rose, I have nothing to say to you, and it appears you have nothing to say either. So, if you would please go." He twisted the knob and opened the door slightly, but I rushed over and closed it shut.

I wasn't leaving. I had just gotten here. I needed desperately to fix things between us, and if I couldn't be with him, then I could hopefully at least be his friend. I would take that over nothing any day. For the time being, at least. Eventually, I knew I wouldn't be able to stand just being a friend without jumping on him.

I wanted things to be the way they were, back at the academy. I wanted to have light conversation with him, and comfortable silences, and maybe a secret kiss here and there. All in all, I wanted _him_.

In my fast move to close the door, I hadn't realized how close we were...until I did.

My eyes were level with his chest, and I watched as it moved up and down with each breath. I imagined myself resting a hand on his chest, feeling his magnificent heartbeat.

An unstoppable smile tugged at my lips. Because of all I worked for, Dimitri was still here. He was still alive. He was a dhampir again.

But of course, this intimate moment was cut short when Dimitri moved away from me quickly. I blinked away my thoughts and a frown was brought to my lips.

I had no idea what I was doing here.

"I wanted to see you," I finally said, because I was thinking it.

It was funny how our roles had changed. Now it was Dimitri at the bed, and I at the door.

"Well, here I am." Dimitri said, like I meant nothing to him. Like my effort to come see him was for nothing.

Hell, it looks like my promise to not argue was going to shit. "Why are you acting like that?"

His eyes raised to mine, and I could tell he was frustrated. He didn't want me here, obviously. He made that clear. "I don't want to see you."

"Why not? Why the hell not?" My voice was slowly getting louder, as I took one step toward him.

"I've already told you, Rose!" He said, muttering back at me. He sat on his bed, his hand clutching the sheet in a death grip. Good, I was getting to him.

"What? That stupid shit about me not meaning anything to you? I don't believe that, Dimitri. We can't go from what we had to nothing. You're lying." I spat, pointing my finger at him, accusingly. I was getting really annoyed with him.

The fact that he hadn't shown much of a reaction to me getting angry with him was probably not helping.

"Get it through your head!" He said, standing from the bed to meet me in the middle of the room. "I don't love you anymore. I have no room in my life for you." He was starting to visibly shake, but I probably was too.

"That's shit." I retorted, pointing a finger hard into his chest. "You love me," I said, getting in his face. "How many times do I have to tell you? Fuck this coward shit, Dimitri. You're being a coward and we both know it. Be a fucking man. Grow up." He had unintentionally leaned down to meet me face to face. I was breathing out heavily and so was he.

The room grew dead silent.

Dimitri's eyes probed into mine. His eyes were cold, and defensive. I didn't like it, not one bit. When he said his next words, it was almost like he was Strigoi again. His tone was deadly, and evil, "Get out of my room."

No.

"I'm _not_ leaving. You can't get rid of me this time. Lissa isn't here to interfere this time, Dimitri! There's no escaping this anymore. Admit that you love me. Just admit it!" I yelled, pushing him back a bit, out of anger. When he didn't say anything else, but just huffed out in anger, like a raging bull, I pushed him again, and again, until he had nowhere to go. He was against a wall. "Admit it," I kept saying.

I could tell I was affecting him. He was looking at me ferociously, and I was expecting a reaction from him, but what I wasn't expecting was the bite of his hand on my cheek, so hard that I fell to the ground before him.

"We've been over this," he spit down to me. "There is _nothing_ between us anymore. Get it through your thick skull. The only reason I am tolerating you is because of Vasilisa." His voice was cruel.

I winced, on the floor, my hands cupping my cheek.

_He slapped me._

I stayed on the floor, not meeting his eyes. My mouth hung open as I clutched my burning cheek. The room was dead silent, and I pictured the image of his hand coming at me, again and again.

When I met his eyes again, I froze. His stature had changed. He was no longer looking at me accusingly, or angrily, he looked at me like he'd never seen me before.

He got down on his knees and almost looked like he was going to cry. "Rose," he whispered, reaching out to touch me, but I shifted away from him, out of habit. "What have I done?," he said, when he saw my red eyes staring back at him.

Traitorous tears made their way down my cheeks, as the reality of the situation hit me. Dimitri, the person I loved more than anyone, had hit me. He had now hurt me in every way possible now. There was nothing left for me to give. The only thing I could do now was hope for the best. Maybe he would realize how far in his pity he was.

He wasn't himself, and maybe now he'd realize it.

His mouth opened a couple times, like he was going to say something, but he never did. I had to imagine that he had no idea what to say. I know I didn't.

Eventually, I wiped my eyes, and released my cheek, standing up. I didn't say anything to him. I just turned my back, and went for the door. But I stopped, and turned around.

"Dimitri," I said, meeting his eyes. I knew what was running through that mind of his. "You're nothing like your dad, please don't think that you are."

Finally, he spoke. "I hit you, willingly. I don't know what came over me - I don't. How? Rose?"

Walking over to him, I sat down beside him and dared to place my arms around him. He didn't push me away and my heart triumphed when he slipped his arms around me as well.

"No. You're a beautiful man, who is gentle and loving, and fights to save lives. You're nothing like that evil man. You're everything I could ask for," I admitted, hoping that my intimate confession wouldn't drive him away.

"I hit you," he repeated, tugging at my clothes. One of his hands was on a bit of skin between my pants and top, but I couldn't freak out about that now.

"I can take it," I said, taking his face in my hands. "I'm strong. You made me this way. Please don't feel guilty. I pushed you. We're both at fault here. We got carried away. It was nothing."

"It was everything," he said, his forehead now resting on mine.

I knew I should have just let him stay there, and restrained myself. But damn, the opportunity was there, and it was the best way I knew to comfort him. Not able to stop myself, because he was so close, and this was the closest we'd been in a long time, I kissed him.

Gently, at first. I was testing the waters. Just barely, I pressed my lips to his. When he didn't push me away, I let out a slow breath and kissed him again, this time, more forcefully. _Yes_, I thought.

Eventually, he started kissing me back, and soon, I was on my back on the floor, with his long body on top of mine. We were both so clumsy with each other that one would think this was our first time ever being together.

What happened next...I-I had no idea how to describe it.

We had sex.

I didn't even know how we got from kissing to having sex so fast. The experience was all a blur to me, but I knew that what we did wasn't making love. It was jerkish and fast, and releasing. There didn't seem to be any emotions involved.

I didn't like how I felt afterward.

I felt like I had just made a mistake. We were both vulnerable, and that was no reason to have sex.

We both lay there on the floor until we, wordlessly, moved to the bed.

He didn't make a move to hold me in his arms, and I didn't make a move to cuddle up next to him.

I stared at the ceiling for the longest time until I realized Dimitri had fallen asleep.

Slowly, I got out of bed and slipped into my clothing. Then, with one look at Dimitri's beautiful naked figure, I left, wearing his duster.

* * *

**A/N: **Thoughts? Please don't leave me in the dark! Tell me what you're thinking! Reviews are what keep me writing!


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: **I was so glad when I saw all the reviews for my second chapter! I'm so glad more people are liking this! I hope to get reviews on this chapter as well! Please don't forget to let me know what you think! Some Lissa, Adrian, and a hint of Dimitri in this chapter! Hope you enjoy!

**Disclaimer: **Richelle Mead owns Vampire Academy.

**_The Time is Now..._  
**

"Are you going to say anything?" I asked, when the silence was dragging on for too long.

Lissa's mouth opened and closed twice before she finally spoke. "What about Adrian?"

"Really? That's what you're going to say?" I asked her, incredulously. Out of all the things she could've said, or asked, she chose to bring up Adrian in all of this? It was almost laughable.

"Well, I don't know!" Lissa exclaimed, her hands up like she was caught doing something she wasn't supposed to be. "He's a part of this, whether you want to realize it or not. Everything you do with Dimitri affects him one way or another."

I sighed, burying my hands in my face. Truth is, I knew deep down that Lissa was right. I just didn't want to admit it, because that would mean bringing Adrian into this mess, and I had no room in my head right now to deal with him. Finally, I said, "Don't I know it... God, Liss, I know, trust me, but I can't even begin to think about Adrian right now."

She rested a hand on my shoulder for comfort. "And that's understandable, but I don't want you to forget about him."

Suddenly, a thought came to mind. I lifted my head to look at her accusingly. "Did Adrian say something to you?"

Lissa averted her eyes. _I knew it._ Why else would she mention Adrian? He must've called her to see if she knew what was up with me. _Oh, he's going to have it coming, that Moroi_.

"What did he say?"

He better not have said anything about drinking from me. If he did, I'd kill him.

"Just that you weren't answering his calls and that he hasn't heard from you in a few days." She explained, scooting a bit closer to me. She looked me in the eyes. "Rose, you have him wrapped around your finger. When will you see how much he loves you?"

"Thank you, Lissa, for making me feel even worse." I mumbled. After a moment of silence between us, I confessed, "I just don't see myself ending up with Adrian. Every time I picture my future, he's not in it. I mean, at least not as my partner. The only person I can ever see myself with that way is..."

The image of an olive skinned man with brown eyes, beautiful lips and long hair came to mind, and, instinctively, I smiled.

"Dimitri," Lissa finished for me. I nodded, my smile gone, and bit my lip in thought.

"We were great together, Liss," I said nostalgically, thinking back to the academy. "And then everything happened, and I lost him. I felt like my life was over," I explained, my voice taking a more somber tone. "He's back now, and I'm so happy that he's alive, but it's not everything I imagined. I mean, we're not together. Last night - it - I don't think it will change anything."

"But you two had...sex." If I wasn't so miserable right now, I would've laughed at her inability to say the word sex without hesitating.

"Yes, we did, but it wasn't like our first time." _Not at all_, I added in my head.

She nodded, and hugged me once before leaning back on the bed so she was laying down. "You need to talk to him, Rose."

I laid down beside her and laughed, "You're giving me permission?"

She laughed as well and turned on her side so she was facing me. "Yes, Rose. I won't try to stop you this time. I think it'll help the both of you," she said, and then added, "Just try to stay civil. We still have the majority of people in court to convince that Dimitri is no longer a Strigoi. An argument won't help that."

I groaned, "I know Lissa. You've only told me that a million times."

"Just making sure," she said, smiling at me with her angelic features.

* * *

The next few days passed quickly enough as I caught up on sleep.

When the weekend came, I had yet to speak to anyone other than Lissa, who was constantly reminding me to find either Dimitri or Adrian and start talking. Each time she brought them up, I'd roll my eyes and groan. I knew I had to talk to both of them, but I was dreading it.

On Saturday, I knew I had to come to a decision on who to talk to first. So, I got up out of bed and ended up in a cafe in the middle of court. I had been there a couple times before to think, and figured it would be as empty as it usually was.

Thankfully, it was...at least at first.

Around the time I paid for my two cups of chocolate milk and a bag of glazed donut holes, the place started filling up. I bustled over to a table before more people filed in, and started to chomp on my breakfast. About half way through my first cup of milk, I realized a group of girls were sending dirty looks my way.

For a moment, I was sent back to my days at the academy, which wasn't that long ago, when I was constantly getting talked about - and not in a good way. For a moment, I thought this was something similar to that, but then I realized the reason why they were glaring. There weren't anymore empty tables and I was taking up a four chair table all by myself.

I shot them evil looks back. My issues and I could take up as much room as we wanted, I felt like saying. They should've gotten here earlier.

Probably, I should've left, because it was way too noisy to be thinking things through, but the constant chatter kept me distracted enough so I could put things off for just a _little_ bit longer.

_Lissa would be so proud_, I thought to myself, chuckling.

I was so lost in my own world that I didn't realize someone was talking to me until they sat down at my table.

"Oh shit," I muttered, before I could stop myself.

As the cocky, green-eyed Moroi set his food down across from me, all I could think was that I should've listened to Lissa and dealt with things before moments like this could happen.

Fate had dealt its evil card and as I turned out, my problems had caught up to me.

"Little dhampir," was all he said, before shooting me a cheeky grin.

Again, all I said was, "Oh shit."

His emerald eyes bore into mine and I felt like running out of the place. _Damn it, damn it, damn it. I should've listened to Lissa._

Adrian, who was obviously pleased by the fact that I was flustered, continued on with, "You know, darling, it's not nice to ignore my phone calls."

He licked some jam filling from his pastry off of his thumb and kept his eyes straight on me. The sight took me back into his bedroom when he drank from me. His tongue lapping over my throat. I couldn't stop the shiver that spread through my body at the thought.

Quickly, I looked away from his gaze and stuffed a donut hole into my mouth. He laughed at my embarrassment and was obviously waiting for me to respond.

As I chewed, I kept my eyes off of him, and slowly rebuilt my confidence. He had shaken me up, but I was going to stay strong and hold my ground.

"Look," I started out, my voice a little louder than I intended, but something caught my eye.

Just behind the barista, who was currently adding whipped cream to the top of someone's drink, was a huge mirror that covered the whole wall. It served as a trendy interior design choice, and also allowed me to see what was behind me. In this case, my object of interest was the door.

More importantly, the man who just walked through the door.

If I thought having Adrian in the same room was bad, then how the hell was I going to deal with this new specimen as well?

Yes, Dimitri had arrived.

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**A/N: **Haha, I just couldn't help myself! I do believe I had myself a little _Bloodlines_ moment there. Hope to read some reviews! Come on, I must deserve some for updating so much right? ;)


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: **Here it is, the next chapter! Hope you like it, and I hope you read and review! Just to let you know, I posted up another story called _Be Safe, My Love._ I hope you check it out! Any mistakes in this chapter are my own. I don't have a beta. Please let me know if anything confuses you!

**Disclaimer: **Richelle Mead owns Vampire Academy.

_**Conversations...**_

The moment Dimitri walked through the door, our eyes met through the mirror, and I looked down quickly.

He didn't acknowledge me after that as he walked into the small cafe. He got in line, like everybody else and kept to himself. A guard stood outside, watching Dimitri's every move. I curled my fist. He didn't need someone to babysit him.

I took a few deep breaths to calm down and then I returned the situation at hand.

I started again, "Listen, Adrian, I don't know if this is going to work out." I watched him carefully, waiting for a reaction. When he didn't say anything, I wondered if I hadn't said the words out loud.

Finally, he looked up from his pastry and I saw anger in his eyes. He laughed. "You don't _think_ this is going to work out, or you don't _want_ it to work out? There's a big difference between the two, little dhampir, and I _think_ the latter one applies to our situation here." He stared me down, and then was looking around me. My aura, I assumed.

"I knew this was going to be difficult," I muttered, more to myself than Adrian, but he responded anyway.

"Oh did you? You've been planning this then. For how long?" he ordered of me, slamming his hand down on mine, which was on the table. I slipped my fingers from underneath his and placed my hands in my lap. He blinked rapidly at my pulling away from him and then got really angry. "God damn it, Rose!"

I eyed the people around us. We were starting to get an audience, but I doubted Adrian gave a damn. As it turned out, he didn't care if we were in public or not. He was going to act as if we were talking in private. I even noticed Dimitri looking over at us.

Adrian continued, "Did you decide this before or after we had sex?" He ordered, not keeping his voice down at all. The girl next to us laughed and I pulled my hand from my lap and grabbed his, digging my nails into his skin. I wondered if this counted as harming a Moroi. I was past caring.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" I whispered loudly to him. How dare he? "We _did not_ have sex."

"We almost did," he said, his voice quieter. "I drank from you."

"Keep your voice down," I ordered, staring into his eyes angrily. "That was a one time thing, Adrian, and you better not tell anyone it happened. I'll deny it to my damn grave."

"You're that ashamed?" Adrian asked, calming down a bit. He seemed less tense, but he was still upset. Things seemed more personal between us. He laughed sadly. "I should have known. It was always Belikov. That's the reason why, right?"

He must've seen something flare up in my aura, because he got his answer without me having to say anything. Slowly, he stood up grabbing his unfinished stuff and then threw both items into the trash loudly. He returned to the table and pointed one finger at me.

"He better be worth it. That dhampir better be worth it," he said and then caught sight of who was in line.

I stood, knowing Adrian would probably go up to Dimitri and start something. I pleaded with him, "Adrian, please don't start a scene. Not here. He needs people to believe he's a dhampir again. This has nothing to do with him. He doesn't know anything."

He ignored my asking and walked straight up to Dimitri. Adrian placed his hands on Dimitri's shoulders and gave him a hard shove. Dimitri hardly budged, only stumbling a bit, before catching his balance. He stared harshly at Adrian, and then questioningly at me.

I grabbed Adrian by the arm, ready to drag him out the door, but Dimitri's guard was already inside, pulling "Lord Ivashkov", as the guard called him, away from the premises. Apparently, the guard was ordered to keep an eye on Dimitri, not only to make sure he was not a Strigoi, but to also keep people who might have believed he was still a Strigoi away from attacking him.

"Won't the guardian get in trouble?" I asked Dimitri silently, as we watched Adrian and his "handler" walk down the street, out of sight.

"Maybe. Adrian's a royal, but he's just doing his job," Dimitri explained.

It was awkward after that. I didn't know what I was doing standing beside him anymore. Eventually, I walked back to my table and sat down, sighing very loudly.

A few people stared openly at me. It was everyday that something like this happened in the middle of court. I was sure people would be talking about it for a while. _Great_, I thought, then took a sip of my drink.

I kept an eye on Dimitri as he ordered, noticing how his arm muscles moved when he reached into his pocket for his wallet and produced a couple dollar bills to pay for his breakfast.

He turned around to look at me and we caught eyes. Neither of us broke eye contact, and I had a feeling I'd be talking with him today too. The lady handed him his food and he walked to my table. There was still no other places to sit.

I studied him curiously as he ate his bagel and a cup of fruit. A smile found its way to my lips at the sight. Of course he had bought the two healthiest things on the menu. I was sure if there was a salad option, he would've gotten that as well, or to replace the bagel.

He was just so...Dimitri.

My smile faded quickly, when I thought back to the other day.

I dared to speak, "Dimitri, about the other day," I stumbled, searching for words.

"You took my duster," Dimitri said plainly, not as a question, but more as a statement. He didn't mention the fact that we had had meaningless sex at all.

I cleared my throat and tore my eyes away from his gaze, focusing on my other cup of chocolate milk. "Yeah, it's - uh - at my place. We can go by and get it after this...if you want," I offered, a bit baffled that we were shying around the elephant in the room.

Soon enough, we were in my room. Dimitri had never been here before, so when we stepped inside, he complimented me on the decorations - though there were very few - and looked around the place, while I headed to my bedroom to get his duster.

It was a bit wrinkled from my wearing it to sleep, but it was fine nonetheless.

When I got back into the living room area, Dimitri was seated on the couch, waiting patiently for me. I handed him his duster and stood, waiting for him to get up and leave, but he didn't.

Maybe he wanted to talk now? In a private setting?

So I sat down in another chair, and clasped my hands together. I opened my mouth to say something, but he beat me to it.

"The other day," he started out, clearing his throat, "I wanted to apologize for slapping you, and I don't regret it."

"You don't regret slapping me, but you're sorry?" I asked confusedly. I scrunched up my face, not getting what he was saying.

"No, I do regret hitting you. I wasn't in my right mind. I would never do the same as my father. I would never hit you, or any woman, unless they're Strigoi," he said, lost in thought for a moment. "What I meant was that I don't regret sleeping with you. It was...almost, a reminder that I am a dhampir again. If that makes sense. It felt like something we might do if everything was normal. It brought some normalcy to my life, and I don't regret it."

My mouth stayed open for a moment. "What can I say? I mean, I thought... I didn't know what to think," I confessed.

"So, we're good then?" Dimitri asked, standing up, and heading quickly over to the door.

I chased after him, as he opened the door. He turned around once, to pat me on the shoulder, giving me a gentle squeeze. "I guess? Yes." I said more confidently. "Yes, we're good."

I was sure I stood there for a minute after he left. I was so stunned by what had just happened.

I needed time to think, and maybe some help to do so.

Which is why I called Lissa on the phone to ask her if she had any idea what just happened between Dimitri and I.

Did he...was he implying that he liked the normalcy I brought him? Did that mean he wanted to see me again, and wasn't so against the idea of me being around him? Did he just say this to avoid an awkward conversation? _If it was the last, well, too late, that already happened_, I thought.

Reaching for my phone, I dialed my best friend and waited for her to answer.

This has got to be the oddest week of my life, and that's saying something.

* * *

**A/N: **Thoughts? Are you confused by Dimitri's actions too?


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: **RM owns VA.

**A/N: **Okay, I feel like this chapter will either make you hate or like this story. It's the big introduction into what will happen with Rose and Dimitri that is hinted at in the summary. I hope you stick with me. Please don't forget to read and review! Reviews keep me happy and encourage me to write.

Just so you know, I've posted another chapter of Winter Winds, in case you were waiting for a follow-up on that, and also I posted a FF called Be Safe, My Love, and I'd appreciate it if you'd check it out! Who knows, you might not only like this story, but those too!_  
_

Thanks! and I hope I continue to have your support with this chapter :)

**_Who are you?_**

A week later, I was walking through court by myself. The place was basically deserted because it was really late - or really early - and it was so sunny that most Moroi wouldn't dare step outside.

I had made a habit of coming outside during this time to get a little sunshine.

Because our schedule was opposite that of humans, their daytime was our nighttime. Sometimes I wished for a normal schedule, because I really did love the sun. It was warm, and reminded me that while I was half vampire, I was also half human. It made me miss those days Lissa and I had been on the run. During that time, we'd gone on a human schedule.

Anyway, I was just on my way back to my room after doing a few laps. I had worked up a sweat, but welcomed it. I liked running in the heat rather than in the cold night, because I could breathe easier. Breathing the night air always made my throat feel sore.

I hadn't noticed Dimitri approaching because I kept my eyes down. Tonight was one of those particularly bright nights where it hurt to look up, especially since I was walking in the direction of the sun.

"Rose," he greeted, causing me to lift my head, along with my arm to keep the sun out of my eyes. He was alone, surprisingly, and wore a pair of shorts and a sleeveless shirt. He gave me a polite smile before coming to a stop in front of me. He stood in the perfect position to block the sun from my eyes. I wondered if he did that on purpose.

"Hey," I said, dropping my hand. I was happy that things were seeming more normal between us. Ever since his stop at my place, he had become more open to saying hello to me if I was around Lissa at the same time he was, or if we passed by each other in the halls of court. _One step at a time_. "No watchdog today?"

He laughed his beautiful laugh, making me smile. I had a feeling that he was slowly returning to his natural self. The fact that I was able to make him laugh was a big accomplishment in my eyes, considering that he refused to see me two weeks ago. "I have the night to myself," was all he said, before looking around.

I got what he meant. He must have sneaked away from his guard, which was probably an easy thing for him to do. After all, he was a skilled guardian himself. Well, not currently, but he was perfectly capable of getting away from someone.

"Why are you out so late?"

"It's the only time I get to myself."

"Oh," I said realizing that I was probably intruding on his alone time, but then I remembered he was the one to say hello to me. "Well, I better get going. I need a shower."

He nodded and then we walked passed each other. So maybe things weren't exactly perfect between us yet, but we were moving forward. I wondered what he thought of me, but barely had enough time to ponder the thought, because soon, Dimitri was beside me again, asking me to wait a minute.

Turning to him, I realized his eyes were searching mine for something. I raised both my eyebrows in question. I noticed Dimitri's hands between us were raising, like he was going to touch me.

"Could I -" he started, then stopped to swallow. "What I meant was -" he stopped again.

I opened my mouth to ask him what was up when he grabbed a hold of my face and brought his face down to mine. My eyes widened for a moment before in surprise, but then I closed them enjoying the feel of the kiss. He led me backwards until my back hit a wall, probably a nearby building.

Dimitri was the one who pulled away first. He still had one hand on my face, which caressed my cheek so gently. I closed my eyes again and leaned into his touch. I didn't know what brought Dimitri to kiss me, but whatever it was, I didn't care. What mattered was that he had his lips on mine, and it felt so good.

He seemed to study me for a minute before slowly lowering his mouth back onto mine. I would kill to know what was going on in that head of his.

We kissed for a couple more minutes, Dimitri's tongue exploring my mouth, and mine his, though I was sure I already had every inch of his body memorized. My arms wrapped around his neck, pulling him closer to me. He slipped his arms around my waist, and squeezed.

"Dimitri," I said, pulling back. We were both breathing heavily. His eyes looked back into mine. "What are we doing?"

"We're kissing," he said, leaning in again to smooch me once. I'm sure my eyes glittered.

Resting a hand on his chest, I picked at his shirt and laughed. "I know that, but -" I started, before Dimitri had his lips on mine again. I laughed, getting the picture. I didn't interrupt after that.

A few minutes later, we were both walking into my room. The place was a little messy, but I was sure he didn't mind.

"The bedroom's this way," I said, lacing his fingers in mine, leading him into my room.

I shut the door behind us, tugging at the blinds so it wasn't so bright inside. Dimitri sat himself down on the bed in a comfortable position and I returned to him. Lifting one leg over his body, I straddled him before leaning down and returning to what we started outside.

I realized where this was headed, but I wanted him so bad that I didn't want to stop and think. I was just so elated that he had been the one to kiss me! The little nagging voice in my head that told me to slow things down stopped talking as soon as Dimitri put his hands on my body.

Groaning into his mouth, he laughed and then flipped us over. Now over me, he kissed my lips lovingly once and then lifted my shirt over my head. His hands roamed over my skin, heating me up more than the sun ever could. Boy was I glad that I'd gone outside tonight.

His mouth trailed a bundle of kiss from my neck down to my stomach, stopping in certain places to pleasure me. My bra was the next thing to go after that, then his shirt, then our pants. We were both left underneath the sheets in nothing but our underwear.

I sighed happily when his fingers tore the little piece of fabric down below off of my body. He quickly shed his underwear as well, and then looked into my eyes. Call it hopeful thinking but I pictured something like, 'I love you', or 'you're beautiful', to come out of his mouth, but it didn't. Instead something unexpected was what he said. "Thank you for doing this for me."

A weird sound came out of my mouth at his weird show of gratitude, but then he thrust himself inside of me and all thoughts were gone.

His mouth came back down on mine as we both climaxed. Afterward, we both rested in each other's arms. My mind wandered back to the last time we'd done this. I felt much better this time, because it wasn't awkward... except for what he said before. That was weird.

Tracing my hand over his abdomen, I felt a shot of courage burst through me. I leaned up on one shoulder, smiling down at Dimitri. His eyes were closed, but I knew he was still awake. "Dimitri?" I started carefully. He cracked one eye open. "What did you mean when you said, 'Thank you for doing this for me'?"

Both of his eyes opened now and he sat up a bit, but kept his arms around me. He searched for words. "Like I said the other day, being like this with you makes me feel like a dhampir again."

It took a moment for the words to settle in. _Did he mean what I think he did?_ "Wait," I said, sitting up as well. I was more awake now. "Did you just do this to feel...normal again?" I gestured between the two us when I said 'this'.

Dimitri looked confused. "I thought we were on the same page."

I pulled away from him and pulled the blanket up over my chest, suddenly not feeling comfortable. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"I asked you if we were good." My mind shot back to the last time he was in my housing suite. He was right, he _had_ asked that. He elaborated, "You said yes, I thought -"

"What?" I asked, suddenly feeling angry. "That I was agreeing to sleep with you whenever you felt like 'feeling normal'?" I shouted at him, getting out of bed quickly and slipping into my shirt. Turns out I put his on by mistake. Frustrated, I tore it off of me and then threw it at him. I searched for my own shirt. "You know I'd never do that Dimitri. Not when I'm still in love with you, for God's sake!" I cried, rushing through my drawers to find a new pair of underwear.

I was so angry.

"Did you think I had changed my mind?" Dimitri asked from the bed. When I turned to him he was slipping into his briefs. His eyes met mine. "That I could love again?"

I gaped at him. This didn't mean anything to him. Apparently this was just something to make him feel normal again. What kind of messed agreement would that be if I had actually - God! I couldn't believe he'd actually think I'd do that. Did he not know me at all? "Who are you?" I suddenly asked, so upset that I might've actually started crying.

Rose Hathaway did _not_ cry this much. Damn it.

"I _know_ Dimitri," I said, my voice cracking. "He would never even consider using me like this. I don't know who you are. You're someone completely different," I said, slumping down to the floor, feeling really lost.

Dimitri sighed at the bed, but didn't make any attempt to apologize.

"Get out." I muttered, not daring to look at him again. "I think it's best if we don't see each other any more." My lips uncontrollably frowned. I knew the tears were coming soon. This felt like the last straw. I was serious when I said that I didn't know this Dimitri. He wasn't the one I had grown to love. Building up the courage to say something I might've regretted later, I added, "...at all."

I kept my eyes down, only watching his bare feet as he got dressed again. He placed a hand on my shoulder before he left, almost as a goodbye, but I didn't acknowledge it.

When he left, I started crying. It seemed like every time we ended up together after his restoration, I'd cry afterward or do something out of character like letting Adrian drink from me. I never used to act like this. I didn't like who this side of me was.

_Maybe it was for the best that Dimitri and I no longer see each other._

Sighing, I changed into pajamas and slept on the couch. I didn't want to sleep in my bed after what had just happened.

I still couldn't believe that Dimitri had assumed that I would... I couldn't even finish the thought.

As sappy and as weak as it felt to admit, I still wished for my old Dimitri back.

* * *

**A/N: **Still with me? I hope so. Dimitri's a little messed up isn't he? I believe he's nowhere near recovering from his restoration. I think he's just gripping to anything that makes him feel normal, even if it's hurting Rose in the process. I think he's trying to find some control in his life.

But enough of what I think. What are your thoughts?


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: **RM own VA.

**A/N: **Thank you so much for all the lovely reviews. A quick update here. This chapter's shorter than the others, but I wanted to save all the good stuff for the next chapter. Ooh? What's that mean :) Haha read and you'll see.

**Never Over**

Two weeks later, Lissa was in my room and we were talking about something light and nonimportant when she mentioned Dimitri.

I had yet to tell her that I'd told Dimitri we should part ways for good, so I didn't blame her for bringing him up as we sat in front of the TV, both not really paying attention to what was on. My reasoning behind keeping what happened between Dimitri and I a secret was that I was embarrassed. Not just embarrassed, I felt wrong, and I hated being wrong.

Wrong, because I had assumed that he would come crawling into my arms after being restored. I had assumed that things would be the same. But they were _far_ from it, obviously.

I was complaining about one of the other guardians who spent too long on one of the exercise machines in the gym when she blurted, "I think something is wrong with Dimitri."

My voice trailed off, and I met her eyes. She looked concerned. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't at least a little curious to know what she meant. "What do you mean?"

"You haven't noticed? Maybe it's just me," she said, lost in thought. I didn't mention that it had been a couple weeks since I'd even laid eyes on Dimitri.

"What is it?"

Lissa pursed her lips and then took a spoon of her ice cream before talking. The ice cream was our attempt to make this feel like a sleepover - like the ones we had at the academy and when we were on the run. Things just weren't the same though. "Well, he seemed like he was getting better there for a while, you know?" _Yes. That was when he thought I had agreed to sleep with him at his will._

I only nodded.

"But then, I just - I feel like he's taken one step forward and two steps back." She seemed sad. I knew it hurt her to see Dimitri like this, because he was like her son. A connection between them had manifested when she set him free, one that I'd forever be jealous about. I knew it was nothing romantic, but she was able to connect with him in a way that I was afraid I never could again. Especially now that we weren't talking...

I sighed. "Well, have you talked to him? Did he say what was wrong?"

"Whenever I tried to bring it up, he'd shrug it off. He keeps saying something about his nightmares returning, so I'm thinking its his guilt taking over again, but I don't get it," she started. "Well, I _do_ get that he's hurting, but what I'm confused about is, what changed? He was doing so well there for a moment, and now its like his progress as stalled and he's moving backward."

I bit my lip. Lying to Lissa wasn't the easiest thing to do, especially because I felt guilty doing it. I hated to see her struggling, so after thinking for a moment, I confessed what had happened. "I think I can offer an explanation."

Her eyes searched mine. "What do you mean? Did something happen?"

Cracking my fingers, which was becoming a nervous habit of mine, I nodded guiltily. "We slept together again."

Lissa's eyes grew angry. "What? When? Why didn't you tell me?"

"I was embarrassed, Lissa. He thought he could just use me whenever he wanted. I thought he was getting better too, I did, but he was just sleeping with me to feel normal. He said so himself."

Lissa's features softened and she placed a hand on my arm. "I'm sorry, I didn't know." She sighed. "I'm starting to think he's a lost cause." There was a tremor in her voice. "It pains me to admit it, but he's too lost in his own guilt. I don't know how to make him better. I feel like I'm failing him."

I almost laughed. That was exactly how I felt. "That makes two of us," I admitted, looking up at the TV, wanting this conversation to be over. We both stopped talking about him after that, the conversation returning to light chit chat, but I knew he was on both of our minds from then on.

When she left the next morning, I lay in bed for a while, thinking about what she had said. _He's a lost cause_. _He's too lost in his guilt_.

I never wanted Dimitri to end up like this. It hurt me so much to know that I couldn't make him feel better, that our love couldn't make him feel better. Sitting up, I decided to head out for the day.

Everything with the restoration was starting to die down and I had yet to be appointed as Lissa's guardian. Basically I was just drifting right now. I didn't have a real position anywhere, and I was starting to think that I needed to buckle down and get one. If not as Lissa's guardian, then as a court guard.

I needed some order in my life again, some structure, some discipline. Maybe that would make me feel better.

I knew being Lissa's guardian was up in the air right now because of all I had done to bring Dimitri back - leaving the Academy, putting her life in danger to save him. I wasn't a very good guardian in that aspect, so I'd have to earn my place again which sucked. I thought saving Dimitri would all be worth it, but I wasn't so sure anymore.

_No, don't think that. If not for you, he'd still be wandering the earth as a soulless killing machine. You did the right thing._

Pretty soon I was at the guardian building filling out paperwork. Applying to guard a Moroi often took weeks to be handled, but applying to be a court guard was a fast process. I signed my name on the dotted line and handed the paperwork to the secretary who stamped the sheet and then place it in a pile of papers.

She didn't say anything afterward, so I took that as my cue to leave.

* * *

My first shift had just ended. I was assigned to guard the perimeter toward the south end of court. The assignment was a lonely one. It consisted of me walking back and forth over a designated area, only coming across other court guards once or twice.

Someone else took my spot after me and I muttered a bitter, "Have fun," before walking away.

I couldn't wait until Hans got back to me on whether or not I could guard Lissa. I'd sent the paperwork in a while ago, but it was taking forever. They should've had more than one person dealing with assignments. Damn Hans was probably taking forever on purpose. He never liked me much.

I knew I was just being bitter, and that I had to prove myself, but how could I without being out there? Or having a real job? Attacks were very rare at court. Being a court guard would hardly show my skills and how perfect I was for the job as Lissa's guardian.

One other thing I particularly despised about my new job was that it was really quiet. I never liked silence much. Mostly because I liked socializing with other people, but also because there was nothing to do except think.

And I had done a lot of thinking. Mostly about my future, and Dimitri.

I couldn't get Lissa's words out my head. She had said he was getting better during that time when Dimitri and I...you know. Hell, I had even seen it. I truly believed that he was getting better.

I groaned out loud, attracting the attention of a few people around me. Maybe dealing with my inner turmoil wasn't such a good thing to do while I was walking in public.

I couldn't belive myself. Was I actually considering it?

_Stand your ground. You told him you didn't want to see him anymore. That should've been it. It should end there. Things are over with him. _

"Oh, who am I kidding?" I said to myself when I realized where my feet had taken me. "Things will _never_ be over between us."

I raised a hand, noticing that there was no guard around today. I knocked. Maybe I had stopped by at the perfect time between his watcher's shifts. Or maybe he convinced the guards he didn't need to be watched anymore.

Either way, I was here and I was doing this.

Before I could change my mind, the door opened.

"Rose?"

* * *

**A/N: **What do you think is going to happen?


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: **RM owns VA.

**A/N: **Exciting news: This story was named after a song by Empires, and I went to one of their concerts this past weekend, and I had an amazing time! The lead singer sang straight into my eyes a couple times and pointed me out and it was so fun! I swooned a million times over again. :) I know you guys probably don't care, but I had to share, because it made me think of how I needed to update. Hah! I even met the lead singer and drummer afterward! It was an amazing experience!

Here's another chapter. I hope it doesn't disappoint!

**Submission**

"Dimitri," I greeted nervously, before stepping into his room. The place looked exactly like it always had.

I turned around to meet him face to face as he shut the door. He looked at me oddly, like I was the last person he'd expect. That wasn't surprising to me. After all, I had said that I never wanted to see him, ever again.

"What are you doing here?" He asked, before I wrapped my arms around his neck and jumped into his arms. I didn't worry about falling or him not catching me, because I knew he would. His arms lifted quickly and held me up almost like I was a child.

I was already breathing heavily, just at the touch of him and his close presence. How could I have thought I could live without him?

"You could tear me down a hundred times and I'll keep coming back," I confessed my hands running through his hair and over his face, almost like I couldn't believe he was real. Feelings overcame me, like they always did now whenever I was in his company. It was still a dream to me that he was dhampir again.

"That's_ not_ a good thing," Dimitri said, apparently he had done a lot of thinking while we were apart.

He pressed me up against the door, keeping our bodies close together. He wasn't pulling away, which made me think that even just touching me was doing good for him. His eyes searched mine, and I had a feeling that he was slowly but surely coming back into his own. I didn't want to get my hopes up, though. "Listen, what I asked you to do, it wasn't right. I don't blame you for not wanting to see me."

"No-" I stopped him, putting my fingers over his lips. My eyes looked deeply into his. "It doesn't matter. I'll do it."

His brows furrowed and he moved to set me down, but I clung to him. "What?" He asked.

"I'll do it. I think I've proven that I'll go to the ends of the earth for you, even if you don't see it." My lips found his cheek, and I kissed his face all around, before coming to a stop at his lips. "You have to know that I'd do anything for you."

"Rose," he whispered, as I finally pressed my lips against his.

Our words died off and he carried me over to the bed.

* * *

Afterward, all I could think about was his touch. The way his hands felt on my body affected me like nothing else.

It was obvious that I had been the one in charge of the situation, at least when I took charge and walked in, and our sex had been the same way. That was why I was hovering above him at the moment, while he was still sheathed inside of me.

He might not have felt as deeply for me as I did for him, but I didn't care at the moment. I didn't want to think about how I'd feel in a couple hours or the next day. This had happened, because I had wanted it to. It wasn't a mistake. I loved being with him. He was all I could ever wish for.

Sure he was damaged and needed repair, but I could do that. I could fix him.

Hell, I was doing it just being here. Right?

Looking him over admiringly, I finally let my body rest, and collapsed on top of him. I laid on him, more tired than ever. My body was tingly all over and I suddenly felt an overwhelming sleepiness.

Somehow I stayed awake though.

My head sheltered in Dimitri's neck, I let my hand wander over his torso. My fingers traced over the curves of his abdomen, and then a scar just above his nipple.

I wasn't sure if he was still awake, but when my fingers reached the scar, he stiffened and I got my answer. Lifting my head from its position, I looked him in the eye and saw a pained look on his face. It wasn't hard to figure out why.

I placed my whole hand on the imperfection, and then tried to convey what I felt for him through my eyes. Leaning down, I kissed the scar underneath my hand a couple times before kissing his neck lovingly. If it was possible, he stiffened even more at me kissing his neck.

I backed off from that when I realized I was doing the wrong thing.

I stopped and he relaxed.

One of his hands wrapped around my bare body and rubbed my back gently. Up and down.

It almost felt like the cabin.

For someone who claimed he didn't feel anything for me, he was doing a pretty good job at faking it. Or maybe this was just him trying to be himself again. I could never be certain.

I desperately wanted to ask, but I was afraid of the answer and reaction I'd get. For now, I was satisfied with just being with him.

Others would've called me crazy for doing this, but I loved him. People who knew this type of love would know how I felt. They'd understand why I'd do anything for him.

"I've never done that before," I trailed off, resuming my position. Again, my hands wandered his warm skin.

"Hmm?" he asked, his eyes closed. He probably wanted to sleep, but for some reason, I just _needed_ to talk.

"I've never been on top before," I said, laughing quietly at the admission. With anyone else, I'd never even think of saying these words, because it would be embarrassing, but this was Dimitri. I felt more comfortable with him than anyone else.

His eyes opened and he watched me carefully as I continued.

"But of course you already knew that..."

One of his brows raised. "I did?"

I nodded eagerly. "Yes, Dimitri, I've only ever been with you." My heart warmed at the thought.

It was funny how I could parade myself around as this tough person, and then come to Dimitri and completely change personalities. Well, not change personalities persay, more like open myself up. I had no shield around him...for the majority of the time. A part of me said that things between us were going to be different from now on, and that this intimate moment wouldn't last long...that Dimitri would come to his senses and realize he wasn't in love with me.

I almost felt like scoffing. Being like this with him, just talking to him while being in his arms made me feel so nostalgic that it was crazy. Memories of us like this in the past flooded my mind. When we were first falling in love.

Dimitri's voice brought me back to the moment. "You never...?" He trailed off and I knew what he was implying.

A small smile was brought to my lips as I shook my head. "Never. I came close with Adrian..." I trailed off, noticing that Dimitri was staying somewhat expressionless through this. See, I knew this wasn't as intimate and a true a moment as I made myself think.

I reminded myself to remember what I was getting myself into. I needed to know in my head that no matter how real things felt, that it wasn't like it used to be. I had agreed to this, and I had to see it through. Anything to help Dimitri.

"But, we didn't. It didn't feel right with him."

"But at the cafe, he said-"

Damn Adrian. People had heard him. Dimitri, most importantly. "He was lying."

"Mmm."

* * *

Almost too soon after that, we were brought from our slumber by the sound of a ringing phone.

"Rose, your phone," Dimitri told me, shaking my shoulder. I rolled off of him and leaned down to get my phone. It wasn't ringing though.

I slumped back down beside him and buried myself into his arm. Against his skin, I mumbled, "No, it's not. It's yours."

With that, he got up and I watched him as he walked over to his clothes. When he bent down, I bit my lip. Good God. He was unbelievably good looking everywhere.

I knew I was torturing myself, so I turned around and buried my head into the pillow.

I could barely stay awake as Dimitri talked to someone over the phone. I heard a few words here and there, but didn't catch who it was he was talking to. I was too out of it.

A second later, Dimitri was back in bed. He didn't make a move to hold me, so I did it myself and snuggled up next to him. He had to know what I was doing, but he didn't stop me. I was thankful for that.

If I was going to do this for him, he'd have to let me do things like this.

"Who was it?" I murmured.

"Lissa."

My face scrunched up at the lack of a proper title.

For some reason I said, "Vasilisa?"

His throat cleared and I wanted to pinch myself. How dumb was I being? I knew he and Lissa were getting closer, but he had always made it certain that he saw her someone above him, and not necessarily as a friend.

I didn't want to admit how jealous this was making me. God, the simplest thing could arouse jealously from me. It was only because it was him. Only Dimitri.

I sighed when I received no response.

"I'm sorry." I said quietly. A moment of silence passed and I asked, "What did she want?"

"She wants me to come over in a few hours."

"A few hours?" I asked incredulously. "What time is it?"

"It's morning. We slept through all day yesterday and through the night."

Wow. For once I was thankful that I didn't have a guardian position at the moment. No commitments right now. Of course I was committed to Lissa, that was a no brainer, but being able to stay here with Dimitri was a positive.

Curiosity kept me talking. "What do you guys talk about? You know, when you're with each other." I knew it was a dangerous question. I was suspicious of anything happening between them, because I trusted them both enough to know that they wouldn't do anything, and also because I knew things between them weren't romantic.

I saw his jaw clench.

A moment later a deep breath left his mouth. "Well, we talk about Russia." He paused. "My time as a Strigoi, my struggles...you."

I lifted my head in surprise. "And what do you say about me?"

He broke away from me and I regretted asking. I wanted him to let me in so badly. The way he looked at me told me everything. If he had spoke, he would've probably said something like, _you don't want to know_.

He was probably right.

"Nevermind. I don't think I want to know the answer to that..."

To my surprise he said, "Lissa encourages me to speak with you."

"What?"

He nodded and focused his eyes on the ceiling. I had a feeling he was going to confide in me. "She tells me that I should talk to you, that it would help with my healing."

Thank you, Lissa. Even if she didn't always show it, she was on my side. I was dumb to think she wasn't.

"And what are your responses to that?" I asked. Again, I knew it wasn't a safe question. I wouldn't have been surprised if he stopped talking all at once. But I was a difficult person to hold back. When I wanted to know something, I'd ask about it. I wouldn't shy around the question. It just wasn't who I was.

Dimitri knew that.

"I told her she was wrong." He was being truthful, at least I knew that.

"You're talking to me right now." I mentioned.

"Not like I do with Lissa. I tell her _everything,_ things I wouldn't dare mention to you." I flinched. He told her everything while I just stood on the sidelines begging for a chance?

It was hard for me to continue, but I was strong. I could handle a few words. I knew Dimitri wasn't trying to be hurtful, he was just telling it like it was. At least he respected me enough to not lie to me. If I didn't have his love, I would at least have his respect.

"So the only way that _I_ can help you heal is by doing this?" I asked, gesturing to the two of us in our naked states. We hadn't even covered ourselves up. It wasn't cold, and I liked to believe we were both comfortable enough around each other to be like this. Or at least, we were used to it. Seeing each other naked was nothing new.

Dimitri didn't respond, but I got my answer.

"If this is the only way I can help, then I'll keep doing it. I want nothing more than for you to be yourself again."

"Rose," he started and then stopped. He seemed to be picking out his words carefully. "I know why you're doing this."

I didn't know what he wanted me to say.

"You think that if I'm recovered that I'll love you again."

_Oh...that. _

He turned on his side and placed a hand on my cheek, the one he had slapped a couple weeks back. I couldn't look him in the eyes. It would feel too much like how we were and that would make me suffer. I knew he was only making sure I was alright.

"I can't guarantee you that. You understand that right? I don't say anything I don't mean. You know that."

"Yes, I do." I admitted. "But you said you loved me once. You said you would do anything to keep me safe. I know you're...different now, but I've got faith that that part of you is still in there somewhere. I've just got to find him.'

This time I stared him in the eyes, to show that I wasn't backing away from this. It was a challenge and I was accepting. That part of him couldn't have just disappeared. Maybe he just needed to forgive himself and heal before finding those feelings again. His hatred toward himself for hurting me was probably preventing him from being with me. I needed to get rid of that hatred.

"You sound so sure."

"I have to, or else I'll be tempted to give up."

"We both know you won't."

I laughed and turned on my side as well. My eyes looked over the length of him. My feet stopped somewhere just beneath his knees.

"I can be very hardheaded."

He sighed. "Yes, I know."

His hand left my cheek, and I realized how much I like it being there.

"How is your cheek?"

"It's fine. It never bruised, really. I told you I'd be fine."

His eyes looked past me and he sat up. Like that, our moment was gone.

* * *

**A/N: **Rose reminded herself multiple times, but I think it's going to be hard for her to set apart her expectations and reality. It was really easy but hard at the same time to write their scenes together, because I felt like they were back to normal as I was writing them, though things are far from it. I just wanted to show that things are strained between them. Just because they can carry on a conversation doesn't mean that they're back to how they were.

This was a long chapter! I hope you tell me what you think. :) Where do you think they'll go from here?


	8. Chapter 8

_**Disclaimer:**_RM owns VA.

_**A/N:**_It's been a while since I've updated this story, so I figured I'd give you a longer chapter than usual. I hope you like it! Thanks to those who reviewed, alerted or favorited. :)

**The New Normal...**

I stayed in Dimitri's bed a little while after he had gotten up to take a shower. I just basked in the comfort of his bed and looked around the room, feeling at peace with the comfortable setting.

I had just given consent to this. I was going to let Dimitri do whatever he pleased with my body when he wanted. Basically, that was what I was doing. While I was for sure that I wanted to do it, I still had some settling to do with my inner self.

First, I had to make sure I was ready for what was to come, and I had to be sure that my feelings were not involved. That part was going to be hard, but I was strong, like I had told Dimitri._  
_

He made me strong, and I could handle this.

Hearing the shower cut off, I got out from under the covers and quickly started pulling my clothes on. I wanted to be gone before he got out of the bathroom. Why? Because I didn't want to experience the awkward conversation that was sure to come if I had stayed.

We'd say things like '_I__'ll see you next time', _or '_the 'weather is nice today'_ and I didn't think I could handle going through with that. Most of the time, I faced things head on, but that was something I couldn't stand. I hated the tense air that existed when Dimitri and I were in each other's presence now. Hopefully that would change as he got better.

I crossed my fingers for that.

After leaving his building, and receiving a few unwanted stares for my rumpled clothing and obvious sex hair, I made a quick stop back at my place. After washing up and changing clothes faster than I ever had, I stepped back outside in the fresh air. Taking a route that led away from Lissa's house, I started walking toward the quieter area of court.

The reason behind me wanted to stay away from Lissa's was because I didn't want to run into Dimitri. Once again, it was a cheap ploy to avoid a tense conversation.

_You've got to get over this, Rose, _I scolded._ How do you think it's going to be the next time you sleep with him?_

I sighed as I walked, thankful for the light breeze. This walk was proving to be helpful. I needed some alone time to think things through. Though it might've sounded stupid, I was going to try and take a professional guardian approach with this.

Even though I wasn't really a guardian yet.

Hans still hadn't gotten back to me. I swore that if he let another week go by without giving me a real assignment, then I would have to go see him face to face and demand a job. I scoffed. That was probably the quickest way to be given a desk job, but oh well. I was tired of being unemployed. I wanted to guard Lissa already, damn it!

Being a court guard was the worst job ever.

A couple dhampirs walked past me, not in uniform, so I suspected they were off duty. They bubbled with laughter and seemed to stumble against each other as they passed. It was obvious they were drunk, or at least heading in that direction.

Who drank in the morning?

I groaned, and realized the real reason behind my annoyance. They had distracted my train of thought.

Funny how this was playing out. Normally, I hated silence and the idea of using free time to think, but here I was welcoming it with open arms. Funny how a week or two could change things.

"You're not yourself," I mumbled, and looked behind me at the dhampirs who were a block away now.

That was how I used to be in high school. I was confident. I didn't take my life too seriously, and everything seemed to be going well for me. Then, Lissa and I had run away. We were captured and then I met Dimitri. I hadn't missed the party life then, because he had filled the void in the my mind. He had helped me mature and realize that my life before wasn't professional, and wouldn't help me land a place as Lissa's guardian.

That was high school, though. I was an adult now, my age said so. Surely having a couple drinks wouldn't jeopardize my application to Hans. Guardians drank all the time when they were off duty. The dhampirs I had just seen were proof of it.

I needed to be myself again. No, not the party girl who made out with anyone who was willing, but the girl Dimitri helped me become. The girl who could balance everything all at once.

A pair of other people who looked a bit buzzed walk by and I stopped in my steps. What was with these people walking around like this?

I looked around the street and my eyes met a flashing sign on a building a couple feet away. _Of course_.

A bar was offering free beer. First two drinks were free, after that you'd have to pay. I laughed. No wonder these people were drinking at this hour. The offer wasn't lasting all day.

Without thinking, I walked into the bar.

The atmosphere was dark and loud. People were almost everywhere. Mostly at the bar, of course, but a lot of people were sitting at tables stationed around the whole place. Televisions broadcasting human channels, like news, comedy and sports covered almost every wall.

A man bumped into me, forcing me forward and I shot him a glare. I suddenly wondered what I was doing here.

"Well, fuck me," someone said a few seats away and my eyes shot to him immediately. Of course, I'd see him here.

Adrian all but shot daggers at me with his eyes as he downed the rest of his beer. He pushed it forward and then called the bartender over. Though people were waiting for their own drinks, the bartender went straight to Adrian. He got first service because of his name and status. I rolled my eyes, but my feet carried me to him.

"I need another free beer," he slurred, waving his empty bottle in the unroyal Moroi's face. He started skeptically at Adrian before taking the empty bottle from him and throwing it out.

He got another one, but before he handed it over, he made sure Adrian heard what he had to say. "This is your sixth beer, Lord Ivashkov. They stopped being free after your second one."

Adrian nodded like it didn't make a difference and then started drinking again. This had the be the first time I had seen Adrian drink beer. He drank alcohol, yes, but hardly anything other than the best. Like vodka or expensive name brands.

A girl who sat beside him moved from her seat after Adrian spilled his new beer all over the table, and some on her too. She made a sound of annoyance and walked away, giving him the evil eye. He laughed and then called the bartender again.

I sat down, and looked at him sympathetically. I had broken up with him, and he had thrown himself back into this horrible lifestyle of his. I had been brutal with him when I dumped him, that I'd admit, but that didn't mean I didn't care about him.

I loved him, but I wasn't in love with him.

All of the sudden, I felt really guilty for not checking up on him. I knew inside that he would've hated that, but it was the right thing to do. He hated me, but part of me hoped we could still be friends.

_With the way you had treated him, he probably wants your head on a silver platter_.

I now knew how it felt to be rejected by the person you loved. It didn't feel good at all, but maybe that was the difference between Adrian and I. Though Dimitri had rejected me, I still had hopes and was willing to do anything for him. When I had broken up with Adrian, he buried his sorrows in alcohol and probably his cigarettes.

But, hey, who was I to judge? We all had different ways of dealing with things.

And I had ended up here when I was feeling lost, so maybe Adrian and I weren't so different after all...

When the bartender stopped back to hand Adrian yet _another_ beer, I took advantage of it and asked for one too. He mumbled that it was free, though I already knew that, and then he walked away to the other crowd of people asking for their own beers.

A couple of them glared at Adrian and I because we had gotten top priority. I just brushed them away. They could deal with it.

I turned my attention back to my ex beside me. He was probably wondering what I wanted, but he didn't say anything. Instead he seemed to do everything in his power not to pa any attention to me.

He kept his eyes elsewhere and had even angled himself away from me.

I deserved that.

"Do you come here_ every_ morning?" I asked, before I could stop myself. I hadn't meant to sound so sharp and judgmental as I had.

It almost surprised me how fast he turned around to respond. His eyes were cold and he looked pained to be so close to me. "I don't see how that's any of your goddamned business."

"You're right," I agreed. "I'm sorry." I took a long sip of the beer.

Adrian stared at me as I drank. "You're not twenty one," he observed, with a wicked look in his eyes. He opened his mouth and started to call out for the bartender again and I stopped him by grabbing his hand. Funny how he used to offer me alcohol and now he was trying to get me in trouble for it.

"Please don't say anything. It's one beer. Don't be like that."

He pulled his hand away forcefully. "Where's your boyfriend? Still standing on his pedestal somewhere?"

I was quiet for a moment before I looked down at my drink. "No, actually," my voice didn't sound as confident as before, "he's with Lissa."

Adrian stopped mid-swig and raised his eyebrows. Apparently, I had caught him off guard. He laughed.

"Can't say I'm surprised. Payback's a bitch, ain't it, little dham - Rose."

"I guess you could say that."

"What else aren't you saying? I may be drunk over my ass right now, but I can always tell when you're hiding something."

"I'm not dumb enough to tell you."

"Come on. I won't remember tomorrow." He smiled. "And thank God for that. I don't want to remember that I saw you, or that we talked. I hate you. You broke my heart. I can't stand being around you. Go away."

He put a hand to his head and I had a feeling he had been drinking way before these beers he'd been drinking here. Adrian could handle his alcohol and half a dozen beers wouldn't have him confused like this.

"I think you should go home and sleep, Adrian."

"Fuck you. I didn't ask what you thought. I hate you, little dhampir."

Sighing, I stood up and took money out of my pocket. Enough to pay for Adrian's nonfree beers. It wasn't too much. I waved the bartender over and gave it to him.

Helping Adrian off the chair, I wrapped his arm around me and started walking him to the door.

* * *

Thirty minutes later, after Adrian had slobbered on my cheek and told me he hated me approximately twenty times more times, we arrived at his door.

He fumbled in his jacket pocket and pulled out a cigarette, but I took it away from him and threw it a couple feet away.

"Hey, I was going to use that!" he said, attracting the attention of people walking by. He lived in a very populated area of court and many people had seen me drag him over here.

I felt bad for him. This would only damage his reputation more, but I was glad I had found him to help him here. Who knows what would've happened to him if he had braved the walk back alone. He would've probably fallen in one of court's many fountains and drowned.

"Shut up, Adrian. I'm trying to help you. Where's your key?"

"You're going to have to search me," he said winking and slumping against the door. He slid down and was practically passed out on the floor.

Groaning, I put my hands in his pockets while he laughed at me and then found his key.

"Feeling me up? _You_ broke up with _me_, little dhampir. No more of that touchy feely nonsense. Unless you want me to take another taste of -"

I put my hand over his mouth and unlocked the door.

I'd normally be so pissed that I had to be doing this, but I was trying to keep myself calm. He hadn't asked me to take him home. He hadn't asked to talk to me. He hadn't asked for me to help him.

I was doing this on my own free will.

As much as he wanted to believe it wasn't true, I cared about his well-being. Though I had a horrible way of showing it.

A couple times, I tried lifting him up to stand, but he was knocked out now.

"Adrian, wake up and lift your fat ass," I grumbled in frustration. One more time, I tried and this time, to my surprise, I was able to do it.

I thought I had mastered it on my own, but looking over, I realized that I had had help.

After shooting Dimitri a grateful look, we walked together into Adrian's apartment.

"Oh my God..." I mumbled when I caught sight of the mess.

There were empty bottles and cigarette butts on the floor everywhere.

"Oh Adrian..." I sighed as Dimitri helped me set him on his bed. I pushed hair out of my face and then put my hands on my hips as I surveyed the place.

"This place is a mess," Dimitri observed, picking up an empty potato chip bag and then setting it down.

I stared at him for a while until he noticed my quiet self and looked at me. Clearing my throat, I made a move to pick up a few of the things thrown around. I had been he cause of this downfall of his.

After the floor was at least cleared, I stopped, and noticed Dimitri picked a few things as well. Why, I didn't know.

"I hate myself for making him do this," I said, and started heading to the door to leave. I put the key on Adrian's entryway table and stood at the door until Dimitri caught up with me.

I didn't know if he'd respond, but I was hoping to get at least something out of him.

Shutting the door, we both headed toward the guardian buildings.

Dimitri didn't say anything until we reach the spot where we'd have to go in separate directions.

The silent trip had been what I was talking about when I said it had been tense between us.

"It isn't your fault." he said, stopping to face me. "If anything it is mine."

"How so?"

"Well, I assume I'm the reason you left him."

I shook my head. "Not the full reason," I explained. Again, Dimitri was blaming himself. "I couldn't keep leading him on when I didn't love him."

Dimitri had nothing to say to that.

Daring to be comforting, I placed my hand on his arm and pretended not the notice how he flinched like he was going to pull away. "Stop blaming yourself for things that are out of your control." I wasn't just talking about Adrian, and we both knew that.

Pulling his arm away, he looked me in the eye and said, "I'm trying."

"Did last night help at all?"

"I'm talking to you aren't I?"

I grimaced. Wow. "Okay..." I trailed off, trying not to convey my emotions on my face.

Dimitri seemed to notice how harsh he had been and reached out to - well, I didn't know what he was planning on doing, but I stepped back a few steps.

I tried to look impassive as I turned to leave. _Keep no emotions involved, Rose_.

I looked over my shoulder. "Don't hesitate to call me if you...you know, need me. Have a nice day, Dimitri."

* * *

_**A/N:**_Well, don't be shy. What are your thoughts on how things are playing out? I think we can suspect an unlikely friendship between two people who are in the same boat in the future...


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: **RM owns VA.

**A/N: **I have a feeling all of you R/D lovers are going to like this chapter. It's a step in the right directions. You can only go up from here. Hope you like it!

_**Progress**_

The next few days passed uneventfully, until I got a message delivered to me one morning.

I had been in bed, not asleep anymore, but just laying there to try and let my mind do some resting.

Dimitri had yet to call and it had almost been a week. The next day would mark a seventh day I had gone without seeing him. I didn't know what to make of this. I had told him last time we spoke that he could call when he needed me. But he hadn't. Surely, he needed a pick me up. Unless Lissa was having her conversations with him and he didn't need me.

Jealousy overcame me, and I suddenly got some new-found insight as to why I had agreed to let him use my body.

It was my desire - my need - to be the only one to care for him. I didn't want Lissa to have full credit of helping him recover. Or maybe... another epiphany here: maybe I wanted him to give me some recognition for what I had done to restore his soul from being a Strigoi.

I could've kissed myself then.

The past few days, I had been confused with myself. My conflicting thoughts had begun to take over and I found myself only leaving my room to let people - Lissa - know I was alive and for food. The majority of this week had consisted of me trying to figure out why I had agreed to this.

Earlier, when I was first saying yes to him, I had given myself a bullshit answer. I had said it was because I loved him, and wanted to him to heal, but if the older, much stronger me had seen me now and knew what I was doing, I'd be getting my ass kicked.

I had prided myself as a strong person, but here I was being anything but that.

I was letting the man I loved use my body as a way of release and healing. He had said it made him feel like himself again, but did that even make sense?

An inner part of me hoped that it wasn't true and he really just wanted to be close to me without admitting his true feelings.

But then there were times where he spoke cruelly to me, and I knew that couldn't be it.

The distinct sound of knocking on my door pulled me out of my thoughts and I dragged myself out of bed. Clad in long plaid pajama pants and a plain white v-neck, I answered the door, expecting Lissa coming in to check on me. In my past visits to her place, I hadn't let her know what I was doing with Dimitri, but I knew she could tell something was wrong.

Maybe it was her at the door wanting answers.

I was wrong.

Instead a guardian stood with a small square envelope in his hands. He shoved it in my grasp and then walked away briskly without telling me who it was from or making sure I was the correct recipient of the letter.

Turning it over, I looked at the front to see my name written out in plain handwriting.

I made a face and then tore the paper open, pulling out the letter inside. I read over it a couple times...

_Rosemarie Hathaway, your presence is requested in the office of Hans Croft tomorrow at 9:00 A.M. He wishes to speak to you about your guardian placement._

Scoffing, I set the letter down on the bedside table and sat down on the bed. It was obvious he hadn't written the letter himself. One, because it was in a woman's handwriting and two, because I was pretty sure Hans would never speak about himself in the third person. He must've had a secretary write it up.

He didn't even have the nerve to write me himself. I groaned, running my hands through my hair. At least I would finally get some answers tomorrow about whether or not I'd be given the role as Lissa's main guardian.

There were only two things I wanted in this world. Dimitri, and to be Lissa's guardian. If I couldn't have the first, then I be damned if I didn't get the second. I was going to fight for the position if tomorrow didn't end out so well.

I ran my hand through my hair once more noticing how dirty it felt.

Thinking back, it had been a couple days since I last showered. Before I was tempted to slump back into bed, I walked over to the shower and decided to not let myself get too nervous over my meeting tomorrow with the man who could change my future with one signature.

After a fresh shower, I left my hair to air dry and pulled my phone from its charger while throwing myself back onto the bed. With the intentions of calling Lissa to let her know about my meeting with Hans tomorrow, I pushed a button only to see that I had one missed call and one text message.

They were both from Dimitri. I shot up from my position and headed toward the door. This was it! He needed me.

I had received the phone call when I was in the shower and the text message had come soon after that.

Looking at what he had written, I slipped into my shoes and headed out.

_Are you free?_

Smiling to myself, I decided I wasn't going to dwell on the bad things I had in my mind. No point in letting the darkness get worse.

If I wanted to return to my normal self, I'd have to get a hold of things and keep myself in control. This meant no more staying holed up in my bedroom to mope around and think about life. Since when did I do that? I was always busy, always doing something.

Hmm. Another realization. Maybe I was struggling with myself because I didn't have anything _real_ to look forward to. Before, I always had moments in time to look forward to or things to keep me busy. In high school, it had been my graduation and the ambition of being Lissa's guardian. When I had dropped out, it had been a goal of mine to kill Dimitri, then after I had failed that, it had been to restore him.

All of those things were done with, or out of my hands at this point.

I didn't like not having control or knowing where my path would take me.

Feeling a sense of new confidence, I dialed Dimitri's number.

He answered on the first ring and seemed to be...struggling?

"Hello Rose," he said, his voice clipped.

"I'm on my way over, okay?"

The line was silent.

"Is now a bad time?"

"No. Please, just hurry. I - I need you."

There it was. His call for help.

Dimitri needed me and I'd be damned if I wasn't there to help him.

The old Rose would have done anything for Dimitri. Hell, I had! All those times we had been in practice together and I had pushed for a kiss or an intimate touch, he had backed off, but I persisted. I didn't give up.

I sure as hell wasn't going to give up now.

He had to become his old self again. No matter what it took. No matter how crazy. Crazy never stopped me before and it wasn't going to stop me now.

* * *

When I arrived at Dimitri's room, the usual guardians were standing outside his room.

I didn't know why they still thought it was necessary to keep an eye on him. If he was still Strigoi he would've acted on it by now. Something had to be done about this, I realized. But not now.

Without batting an eyelash at either of the two men stationed outside, I knocked on the door. I heard a faint "come in" from beyond the door, so I shook the handle and it opened.

The moment I closed the door behind me, Dimitri had me against the wall.

I moaned at the sudden attack and let my hands rest on Dimitri's chest. Instead of coming across clothing, my hands found his bare skin waiting. My eyes, which had closed at the feel of Dimitri's lips on mine, opened.

He stood before me, completely naked.

Gasping for breath, I pulled away, letting my head lean against the wall.

"You're very eager," I commented, my eyes not able to look away from the space between his legs. "And ready."

"It's been a while since we've done this."

I nodded, flustered at the sight of his godlike body in front of me. If I could see this everyday, I would be the happiest woman alive. "Six days."

"I need this. Now," he almost commanded, coming to me again.

All thoughts were lost as he bent over to pick me up by the waist. The guardians outside must have heard us shuffling inside, but I didn't care. I wrapped my legs around his waist as he held me against the wall. We kissed until he carried me over to the bed.

Before I knew it, I was as naked as he was.

Without warning, he thrust himself inside me and cried out loudly. After the first initial thrust, he sank against me almost warily. His forehead rested on my shoulder as he breathed heavily. His shoulders shook and I felt liquid on my shoulder.

He was crying.

This had to be the most strangest thing that had ever happened to me, and I almost didn't know what to do.

My mind yelled at me. Of course I knew what to do. This was Dimitri!

Wrapping my arms around him, I pulled him close and almost started crying myself.

It took me back to the day he was restored. He had been cradling Lissa the same way; he had been crying the same way.

With one hand, I rubbed his back in a comforting gesture and tried to speak. "Dimitri..." I started.

He moved quickly, wrapping his arms around my waist hugging my body so tight that I almost couldn't breath. The motion had caused him to move within me and we both sighed at the movement.

"Dimitri," I tried again, "Why are you crying?"

He shook his head against my shoulder and then buried his face in my neck. I had no idea how to respond. He was acting like a lost child. It hurt me so much to see him like this. I wanted so bad to make him better but how could I? The first thought was to urge him to keep going - to keep thrusting, but that felt wrong. I felt stuck.

Thinking fast, I ran my fingers through his hair and moved enough so I could kiss his forehead. "It's going to be alright."

Instead of hiding back in my neck, he lifted his head and sought out my eyes. His eyes were glossy with tears. Placing a hand on his cheek, I looked him over, trying to make out anything. I desperately wanted him to let me in, to tell me how I could make it better.

The horrible thought that I couldn't read him as easily as I used to be able to tore me to pieces. Was there really no chance of a reunion between us? I used to know him so well, and now looking at him, I could hardly read him.

"I'm going to keep going, okay?" he muttered, still looking bewildered. I nodded, and wiped the tears away.

"If that's what you want, go ahead," I urged, desperate to do anything to help him.

We both found release rather quickly, and when Dimitri pulled out, he fell down to the spot next to me and then pulled me in his arms as tightly as he had before.

I couldn't complain.

* * *

I woke up to Dimitri leaning over me, brushing hair away from my face with his hand.

His eyes were moving over my face, but didn't meet my eyes just yet. I stared at him almost in wonder.

He was almost openly showing affection for me. But I didn't dare get my hopes up... but the way he looked at me...

My eyes drifted over his face, and I found myself lost in his gorgeous features. His lips, his strong jaw, his hair, his eyes.

They stared back into mine.

"You're awake," he said, his hand moving from my face to rest on my collar bone.

"So it would seem."

Dimitri moved away and the fear that he would shut himself off again came to me, but he just rested his head on my chest and let his hand wander over my stomach. Shivers erupted all over my body.

"What are you thinking?" I asked, running my hand through his hair.

He was quiet for a long time.

"About you. About me. Us."

My hopes lifted ever so slightly.

"What about us?" I wondered aloud. The only sound in the room was of our soft breaths.

"Just our history." he confessed.

"Yeah? Like what?"

"That night in the cabin."

My breathing hitched and I didn't know what to say, so I spoke without thinking. I just wanted him to keep talking.

This was him opening up to me I realized. If I kept this going, then maybe he would tell me what had caused him to cry earlier.

"What about that night?"

"It was the best night of my life," he laughed, but all I could hear was the word, '_was_'. I stayed silent as he seemed like he wasn't finished. "It was so hard for me to resist you. You have no idea how many nights I spent in my bed thinking about the lust spell, thinking about how much I wanted you." I was pretty sure I knew how it felt to want someone so badly. I could definitely relate to him. I had felt the same way back then. I felt that way now.

"Seeing you the way I had, it just showed how easy it was for me to lose you. You were struggling," he was referring to how I had battled the darkness, "and I wanted nothing more than to save you. To make you feel better. I loved you so much. You were my life, so I took you into the cabin and I let myself have you. It was because I had wanted you so long, I loved you, and I was tired of staying away."

My lips trembled, daring to fall into a frown as my eyes watered.

"Why are you telling me this?" I asked, not able to hide my despair.

It was very difficult to hear him talking about that night. It had been the best night of my life. It still was. It was magical. It was the night we gave into each other. There was no holding back. If I could go back to that night and relive it, I would do it over and over again.

Everything was so different now.

Our relationship had suffered when he was turned and I wasn't sure it would ever be saved. I had hope, but I didn't know if it could ever be like that night in the cabin again.

I wanted it to be like that so badly though. I would give everything to have him love me like he had. He had the ability to make me happy like no one else could.

Why could he see that?

"Because I think I understand now."

I cleared my throat. "What do you understand?"

His head lifted from where it was and his eyes bore into mine.

"I understand how you feel now with me. It's the same way I felt that night."

My God. He was right. The way he described himself feeling was exactly how I felt now.

I hated to see him struggle. I wanted nothing more than to make him feel better.

"You're absolutely right."

"I'm just sorry you can't fix it as easily as I could."

"I'm not going to give up on you, Dimitri."

A small smile graced his lips. "We've established that already."

"And I'll keep saying it."

He sighed, inching away from me again, but I wasn't having any of it. I pulled him to me and forced his body back to where it was. "You don't know how ruined I am."

There was the opening. This was the chance.

I took it.

"Then tell me."

* * *

**A/N: **Hopefully you liked this! Let me know what you think! What do you think is in their future?

Also, a lot of you seemed to be wondering why Rose is doing this, so I tried to give reasoning behind it in this chapter. But with Rose, there's is hardly any thought involved in her actions. She's the type of person to act before thinking really.


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer:** RM owns VA.

**A/N: **Sorry for the somewhat long wait! I just started school, so updates will not be as frequent as they were. I'm trying my best, though! Like for instance, I _knew_ I had to get something out for you guys, so here it is! I really hope you like it. I've got this whole story planned out now. Before I was a little unsure of some things, but now I know. I hope it look promising!

Thanks to everyone who reads and reviews! It's great to know you're enjoying what I've written. :)

_**Setback**_

As I waited for him to answer, my heart thumped in my chest.

This was the moment of truth. He could either let me in or retreat back into himself like he had done recent times that I tried to fight my way into his anguish. It was obvious he was struggling with his memories. He was struggling with what he had done as a Strigoi. I knew what he had done to me - but what he had done to others, I had no idea.

I didn't know if I could handle to hear it, but I had to be strong for him. I had to reassure him that it wasn't his soul that had done those horrible things. He had to know what a good person he was. Always helpful, strong, trustworthy, dependable, handsome, gentle...

Since my question, Dimitri had set his head back down on my chest, his fingers digging a little bit into my skin.

He didn't seem to be ready to speak yet, so I tried to wait patiently for any type of reaction.

As we lay together, I let my mind wander to what had happened mid sex an hour or so earlier. Dimitri had collapsed on top of me, crying in my arms. If I could, I wanted to know why that had happened.

Dimitri cleared his throat once, but didn't speak.

Frustration grew in me, but I pushed it away. There was no time for that. I needed to give him time if he needed it. He hadn't immediately pushed me away like he had done before, and that was a good sign.

Maybe he just needed to build himself up to it.

So long as he confided in me, I could wait - yes, I could be patient.

Out of habit, my fingers started running through Dimitri's hair so as to comfort him. I breathed a sigh as I felt his lips open and close against my skin. Little goosebumps arose from the tiny movement, which had taken place not to far from a sensitive area on my upper torso.

"Dimitri..." I tried again, hoping he hadn't fallen asleep or anything.

"No." was all he said to me, holding me just a bit tighter.

I held back a sigh. "No, what?"

His head shot up and he rapidly shook his head back and forth, denying me. "I can't tell you. I can't - it's disgusting. I'm vile." His voice trembled as he body started to shake.

I scooted down so we were face to face and I held him to me, bring him into my arms. He clung to me almost like I was a life saver, but he didn't cry again.

"You're not disgusting," I pleaded, hating to see him like this.

Earlier when we found release in each other, it had been an emotionally freeing experience. Part of me thought that was why he had started crying, but I wasn't sure. I just knew that when I finally came undone, it was like all emotions were dulled and only a faint pleasurable buzzing existed.

Maybe that was why Dimitri had liked using my body so much. It dulled out the pain, and all the memories of pain his Strigoi self had committed.

His eyes were almost crazed looking as he took my hands. "I am. I did horrible things. You don't need to hear what I've done. I don't want you to know! I'm gross, I'm barbaric. You should stay away from me." He nodded, like he had come to a resolution. It was almost like he was trying to convince me of what he was like, but I didn't agree.

"No, Dimitri, I'm not going to stay away from you. I tried that, remember? It's not going to happen. Remember earlier? When you said you knew I wasn't going to give up on you?" I shook my head. "I'm not going until your back to yourself again."

"I can't erase what I've done."

"What your Strigoi self did," I corrected. "That was not you. It was whole other person completely. You are Dimitri Belikov, that other inhumane _thing_ _was_ not you! Dimitri Belikov is gentle. He is understanding."

"You don't know anything," he bit, reminding me that he had indeed not allowed me to get closer to him. He had denied my attempt to get to know what had gone on better. He was throwing it in my face.

"I know that I love you." That shut him up. "And you loved me too once. I know you, Dimitri. Maybe not right now, because you won't tell me everything, but I know _you_. That man in Russia was not you. He was _not _you." I yelled, out of breath, my hand on his shoulder, shaking him, pleading for him to hear me out.

"You say that, but if it wasn't me," he stopped, looking completely miserable, "then why do _I_ have to see the faces of the people that are dead because of me? If it wasn't me, then why do _I_ have nightmares every night except the ones where I spend the day with you? Why do _I_ drown in guilt? Why am _I_ given another chance when they aren't? Why do _I_ have to be tortured at the sight of you?"

I didn't know how to console him.

"Dimitri, I don't know the answer to that. Life is cruel, Strigoi are cruel, but you aren't. Please," I pleaded, "tell me what happened. It will help. I want nothing more than to help you. Please, if you care for me at all. Please, just tell me. I will never judge you. You know that, because you know me just as much as I know you."

I was hanging on a thread, willing him to take one step in the right direction.

I felt vulnerable, as I suspected he did as well. I felt this way because his response could break me. Though I had told myself persistently that I couldn't let my emotions get involved, there was still a part of me deep down that was wishing and waiting for a sign of hope from him. Behind the front that I was trying (and obviously failing) to put forward was the same old me that couldn't let go of him.

_Please, if you care for me at all._

"I can't tell you."

I faltered, and I was a step away from tears, but I blinked rapidly to force them away.

Usually it was Dimitri who pulled away from my hold, but this time, it was the other way around.

Pushing his hands away gently, I inched away from him and then stood.

Nodding, I cleared my throat, not trusting myself to speak. Slowly, I reached for each piece of clothing I had to slip back on.

I kept my back turned the whole time not wanting him to see the disappointment and sadness on my face.

It was back to square one, it seemed. Any hope that I had was now gone, the small pile of moments we'd had that made me think there was a chance of us regaining our relationship back was gone. It wasn't going to happen. If he wasn't going to put an effort in, then we would get nowhere. The apparent truth was no longer easy to deny.

But I would still be here for him. I just wouldn't push. I had told him I wasn't going to stop until he was himself again and I meant it.

I was going to let Lissa take over fully from now on. The only comfort I would provide was going to take place in the bedroom.

Just the thought of that wounded me.

Dimitri had always made me feel like I was special. Before him, I had only been admired or looked at because of my body. Guys weren't after my personality, or looking for the type of thing Dimitri had been. He never made me feel cheap, or unwanted, but I was sure feeling that way now.

I had sworn to him, though, to myself.

Even if we couldn't be together, I couldn't give up on him like other people had. I still loved him of course, but I had to let that go.

"It's not going to happen," I mumbled as I pulled on my only remaining piece of clothing.

Turning around, I met the sight of Dimitri's bare chest in front of me. His hands were out, like he was going to touch me, but I stepped aside, keeping my eyes on the floor. I hadn't realized it, but he had gotten up and put on a pair of pants.

"I'm sorry I've hurt you. I just can't tell you. I don't want you to know."

"But Lissa gets to know everything right? Because she saved you?" I stopped before I could go any further. This was turning into the same old boring fight, and no matter how many times I tried, the answers would be the same. "Listen, I've got to go. I have something to do tomorrow morning, and I should get back."

"I'm only good for hurting you, Rose," he sighed, reaching out once more, to rest a hand on my cheek.

This time I let him touch me, because it was probably the last comforting gesture he'd show me after what I was going to say next. Showing affection for me was something he scarcely did anymore, so this was rare. In fact, if I was being truthful, he was probably only doing it out of pity. He didn't want me anymore. That message was received loud and clear.

"You're right," I agreed. "From now on, when we do this, I'll leave right after, okay? I think that would be best." I would stick to my decision this time, instead of last time when I had said we should stay away from each other. "And I'll stop trying to make you change your mind about me. I give up on us too." I admitted, my voice cracking as my mind shot back to when he had said he gave up on us a few weeks back in the church.

He had also said his love had faded, and I supposed mine would too as time wore on.

Dimitri nodded, agreeing with my choice.

He didn't try to stop me, and that was the final seal on us.

* * *

The next day, my alarm brought me from sleep.

My eyes looked caved in because of the huge bags I had under them. They were dark heavy looking things that dragged my face down and gave me a haggard appearance.

I looked like shit.

About half an hour later, when it was time to leave to meet Hans, I heaved out a big breath and went on my way.

No one gave me curious glances as I had anticipated they would for my appearance. It appears the layers of make-up I had applied were doing their job. I kept my head down as much as possible too, so maybe that was it.

With the note I had received in my pocket, I stopped in front of Hans' office. The door was closed, so I knocked after wiping my unusually sweaty hands on my pants. This was so unlike me. No matter the circumstance, I was always prepared for anything and confident with knowing the outcome. But things were not going my way lately, and it was having an effect on me.

I touched the bags under my eyes self consciously, which was also unlike me, and waited.

Hans came to the door, and he showed no emotion as he let me in. I didn't know if that was a good or bad thing.

He gestured for me to sit so I did and I crossed my hands in my lap as I waited for him to speak. I knew how Hans worked and if I had to bite my tongue or be patient in order to appear more suitable for the job as Lissa's guardian, then I would.

The damn bastard made me wait for five long minutes as he did some things on his computer and read through a paper on his desk.

Finally, finally, he stopped and acknowledged me. He looked tired.

Makes two of us, I thought.

"Okay, Ms. Hathaway," _Guardian _Hathaway_, _I wanted to say but didn't. "I know what job you want." I nodded, waiting for more. "But you're not getting that one."

My shoulders fell, and I opened my mouth, ready to scream curses at him. I had been patient and I had gone through too much in the last twenty four hours to deal with more disappointing news. My life was falling apart each and every way I turned.

Hans held a hand up. "Wait, before you say something you'll regret later," he gave me a knowing look, "let me finish." When it was apparent that I was going to shut up, he continued. "You aren't going to just be handed the job as Lissa's guardian. She's much too precious to have just anyone guard her." I wasn't just anyone, I wanted to say.

I cocked my head to the side. "What are you saying?"

"Well, we're giving you a test run of some sorts."

"We?" I asked, not knowing who he was referring to. He was the one person who was in control of these things. It was why he looked so tired. New guardians came in almost everyday. While our society claimed guardian numbers were dwindling, it wasn't because there were very few guardians. It was because there were so many Moroi. And he was in charge of it all.

"Well, when news of your application drifted around, Queen Tatiana herself requested input." Damn it. If the Queen was involving herself, then I was in for it. Extreme tiredness overwhelmed me. I just wanted everything to go away. I stayed silent, implying for Hans to continue. "She wants Lissa to have two guardians, as you know. Before, you were assigned one of the positions along with Guardian Belikov."

I tried not to shudder at the mention of Dimitri's name. Things had changed drastically since we had both been assigned to Lissa. It was almost funny that that had been the biggest of our problems at one point in time - that we were going to guard the same person. How simple that all seemed now.

"And since a series of events have taken place, the both of you are seemingly out of the job. Since Guardian Belikov has expressed no interest in an official guardianship and because of his..._state_, he is no longer being considered."

That was odd. With the way Dimitri worshipped Lissa now, I would've figured he'd have requested to be her guardian right away. But then I remembered he was still on a probation of some sorts because of his transformation. Also, I figured the Queen had a say in that as well. She wouldn't want some involved in a "scandal" guarding her believed successor. Why was she even giving me a chance then?

"You, however, are, because of your bond," Well there was my answer.

This was being drawn out too long. "Okay, get to the point. What do I have to do?"

"For the time being, you will guard someone by request of the Queen. As a test run. There is no saying how long you will be attached to this Moroi, but once you've been cleared, you'll be one of Lissa's guardians."

My brows furrowed. "Who's going to guard her while this is all happening? Not the court guards who have been trailing her, surely. You know they're cut out for the job."

"Nothing to worry about, we've already got that settled. Your future guardian partner has already taken his post by her side."

"You already chose her second guardian?" Yes, whoever he was, he would be her _second_ guardian. I was always her first. No matter what.

Hans nodded. "And as for who you will be guarding for the -"

"Who is Lissa's other guardian?"

Hans sighed at interruption and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Henry Marek."

"Who?" I asked, not happy that this person who was assigned to guard Lissa was an unknown. She deserved someone well known...like me. Sure, I wasn't known for the best things, but at least I had some sort of good reputation for my kills.

"He is rather new, but he's a very good fighter. He's fresh out of an academy, just like you. Oh, wait, you never quite finished school did you?"

I groaned, angry that my partner did not have more experience. I was being hypocritical because I was the same age as him, but I had gone through a lot. This person probably hadn't even made his first kill yet and they were expecting him to guard Lissa?

I bit my tongue, though. I couldn't start this off with a bad impression. I had to remember that I wasn't Lissa's guardian just yet. I was on the road to it, though. That was all that mattered.

Letting Hans' comment about school slide, I said, "We'll see how he does."

Standing up, I made my way over to the door, ready to leave.

"Hathaway, aren't you forgetting something?" Turning around, I grabbed the file out of his hands after he practically shoved it toward me. "Your new Moroi assignment is in there. You didn't forget about that already did you? Guardians are always on top of things. Prove yourself, Rose, this is serious."

Nodding, I cursed myself for almost running off without asking about my new charge.

Taking a deep breath as I walked out the building, I opened the file and shut it immediately once I saw the picture of a very familiar face on the first page.

Just below the image was his name in bold letters.

_Well, this was going to be fun._

* * *

**A/N: **So, what did you think? Poor Rose and Dimitri. They're both suffering and just need to figure out how to find their way back to each other :( What do you think about Rose not getting the assignment she wanted right away? I think there's a lot in her future that will surely be exciting.


	11. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer: **RM owns VA.

**A/N: **This chapters somewhat short compared to the recent ones I've posted, but I figured you wouldn't mind some more about what's going on with Rose. Plus, you deserve it for all the evil things I've been putting you guys through. :)

**_Losing One, Getting Back Another_  
**

"No you're not!" He yelled slamming the door shut in my face.

Groaning, I lifted my fist and started banging on it again.

Apparently I had woken him up from his "beauty rest", even though it was almost noon. When he had come to the door, his hair was messy and his eyes were just barely cracked open. When he caught sight of me, though, his eyes widened and he leaned on the door, folding his arms.

"Come back for a second chance?" He had said when opened the door for the first time. I had glared at him and shook my head.

Without a word, I slipped the folder out from underneath my arm. Opening it, I handed it over to him and watched as he read. At first, he seemed unaffected by what he read, until he woke up enough to realize what it was actually saying.

His mouth dropped open and then closed in an angry snarl. He had wiped the sleep out of his eyes and then looked up at me, shaking his head.

"What is this?"

I didn't know why he had asked. He knew what it was.

"I'm your new guardian."

"I didn't request a guardian." He had said, looking angry and disbelieving.

_What a great start we were off to._

"Well, your great aunt thinks you should have one. Don't get mad at me. I didn't choose this."

He had glanced back into his room and then looked to me. "Go back to Hanes, or whatever his name is, the guy who handles all the guardian stuff, and tell him to assign you to someone else, because this is _not_ happening. You will not be my guardian!" Adrian announced.

"It won't change anything. Your great aunt has final say. She's making me do this. I'm your guardian."

Which then prompted him to yell, "No you're not!" like a little boy who wasn't getting his way.

For the next few minutes, my knocking didn't hold up. He couldn't ignore this. It was official and no matter how much either of us disagreed with it, it was going to happen. We were going to be around each other a lot more now. We'd have to handle it. I just hoped it didn't get complicated.

All I wanted was to do my job and prove myself, then I was out and Adrian could be without a guardian like he wanted.

I heard a loud noise from inside the room, a curse, and then the sounds of the door being unlocked forcefully. I almost smiled at his obvious frustration, but I wasn't really in the smiling mood lately.

When Adrian opened the door for the second time, he was standing on one foot while holding the other in his hand. I scrunched up my face, wondering what had happened in the five minutes he was inside by himself.

How he was able to handle himself was beyond me.

Oh, wait, I thought, remembering when I had to drag him from that bar, he couldn't take care of himself sometimes.

So, it was a good thing I could be here for him, as difficult as it would be. Sure, I didn't like the idea of being his shadow, but being his guardian meant that I'd be sure he was okay. Though I wasn't exactly happy with this arrangement, I was somewhat pleased it was Adrian that I was assigned to and not some other Royal Moroi that I wouldn't be able to handle.

The Queen had probably intended for this to be a difficult thing for me, to be around Adrian after our split, but she had been wrong. I liked Adrian, I could stand him. If she had wanted me to suffer, than she should've assigned me to a stuck-up Moroi.

All in all, this wasn't as horrible as it seemed.

I just didn't feel up for it at first, because of what had taken place yesterday.

I sighed, thinking back to it. _This is just the first day, Rose_. _Get a grip_.

"I don't know why you're being so persistent. I wouldn't think you'd be particularly happy with this set up either." He raised an eyebrow at me and then walked inside, implying for me to follow.

I did, and shut the door behind me. Looking around, the place looked a lot cleaner than last time I'd been here. Maybe it was because of the work Dimitri and I had done to clean up the place. Or maybe he hired someone, I didn't know.

It was a little odd not knowing what Adrian was up to. It hadn't been long since that day I'd helped him back here, but I used to get daily updates from him. That was before, when things were normal between us, I reminded myself.

"Well, in order to be Lissa's guardian, I have to prove myself."

Adrian sat down on one of his leather sofas and then scratched his stubble. "So I'm just a practice dummy, basically? You're going to use me for your own benefits again?"

"I didn't get any benefits out of dating you, Adrian." I stated clearly, acknowledging that I had used him to some extent, but how had it worked in my favor? After saying it, I realized I was somewhat insulting him. Great, that wasn't what I wanted to do. He had to power to persuade his great aunt that I wasn't a sufficient guardian. Then I wouldn't get Lissa, but was Adrian that cruel? He knew how much I wanted that position, how much I had worked to get it.

Adrian smirked, pulling out a cigarette from somewhere I didn't see. I had to focus. I was officially "on duty". I had to get back in the game. No more of this moping.

"Sure you did. You got the full experience of being with me, you got to get frisky with the most attractive and eligible Royal Moroi, and you felt what it was like to be lavished with gifts, the perfumes remember? It's just too bad you didn't get to have me in bed. You almost did, but thank God that hadn't happened."

I nodded, agreeing with him there. "While I agree with you on that, I think you're being immature right now."

He lit the cigarette with a lighter that was on the coffee table. I sat down beside him, pushing his face to the side so he blew the smoke out in a direction opposite from me.

"It doesn't matter what you think. You're just my guardian."

It took me a minute to realize he was right. "You know what? You're right. Being your guardian doesn't mean I have a say in what you do. It doesn't mean I have to baby you, or even talk to you. We're supposed to be invisible, right?"

He nodded, looking a little confused, and then watched as I stood.

"Then that's what I'll be," I said, moving to walk around the room. Before taking a post somewhere, I decided I should look around to see how many possible entrances there were to the place. It was standard guardian procedure: securing the building before deeming it safe.

When I finished looking around each room, I came back and took post against the wall in the room Adrian was currently in. He was still smoking, and kept his eyes on me for a good ten minutes. Finally, he sighed and got up, walking over to me.

"You don't have to do that."

"Yes I do, Lord Ivashkov, it's my duty."

He shook his head throwing the cigarette down. I watched it fall to the carpet, still alight. Leaning down I picked it up before it set the whole damn house on fire and then handed it back to him. He must've forgotten it wasn't tiled over here.

"Don't call me Lord Ivashov, please. God, Rose. You frustrate me to no ends, but I'm going to apologize for earlier. I _was_ being immature, you're right. This doesn't have to be miserable for us, for you. I'm not that guy. I'm not the person who doesn't appreciate what you're doing."

"I know you're not." I said, acknowledging that he wasn't that type of guy. Though he might've appeared stuck up at times, he never acted that way toward guardians. At least not in all the time I had known him.

"Then don't just stand in the corner of the room. Sit down. We know each other better than for you to just stand there. Talk with me. Hell, update me on yourself."

"Well, this is a signification change in behavior." I said, following him back to the leather couches. He offered me a drink, but I shook my head.

"What do you mean?"

I scoffed. As if he didn't know. "Were you really wasted enough not to remember how you treated me when I dragged you back here the other day?"

He cowered his head and scratched that stubbly face of his again. He looked tired.

Everyone was looking tired these days. Hans, Adrian, Dimitri, me... We all seemed to be worn out with life, and all its twists and turns.

"I do remember. Well, parts of it. I was crude with you, and I'm sorry, because I don't hate you like I said. I should be better than that."

"You are better than that, but I guess I deserved it with the way I treated you."

"You don't. You were honest with me. At least you didn't drag it on even further. I would've asked you to marry me or something." He laughed spitefully, fidgeting with his hands. I wasn't sure if he was joking or not.

"Well, you must take some satisfaction in knowing that I probably feel as shitty as you do."

"Belikov's an idiot for letting you go. He's taking you for granted. I never liked him."

"He's not an idiot. He's just...feeling very guilty." Even now I felt like I needed to defend him.

Adrian's eyes flashed with recognition and I was glad he didn't trying to tell me I was being dumb for sticking up for Dimitri. "In that dream, I saw the bite marks. He fed from you. Is that why he's keeping you at a distance?"

I nodded. "Yes, but he's done much more than that, he says."

"You've talked to him?" Adrian looks a bit surprised. He had accused me of being with Dimitri when I had broken up with him, but now he was acting shocked that he'd even talked to me. Maybe Adrian had realized that what he had said to me was ridiculous and unfair...though there had been some truth to it.

"Just barely. I hardly see him anymore," I lied, because I didn't want anyone knowing about what I was doing with Dimitri on a regular basis.

"But..." Adrian stumbled with his words. He looked at me strangely. He looked like he was trying to remember something. "Wasn't he here when you brought me back from the bar? I could've sworn her was. He was picking up bottles or something, and talking..."

I nodded. "He saw me struggling and helped. It was nothing to get hopeful over, though. He was just being nice."

"He still cares about you." Adrian said, his voice strained. Why he was talking about Dimitri so much was past me.

"No, he doesn't."

"How-" I didn't want to talk about it anymore.

"He's told me he doesn't himself, and I've finally come to terms with it. So, can we not bring it up anymore? Please."

Sensing my discomfort, Adrian nodded swiftly and stood up.

"Well, as much as I'd love to chat, I'm still sleepy. I had a long night. So, I'll be in my room."

I nodded, staying seated quietly as he walked out of the room. I heard his door close and once it did, I buried my face in my hands and sighed, trying to get a hold of myself.

I had handled myself well, I thought.

A familiar buzzing came from my phone and I pulled it out of my pocket.

I almost laughed at who the message was from.

Dimitri had chosen the perfect time to send me something.

_I'd like to see you tonight if its not bad timing. I know I only just saw you yesterday, but I need you again. - D_

Angrily, I responded. I had anticipated his need to see me again, but I thought I'd have a day or two to get over the fact that it had to be purely emotionless sex from now on on my end. Dimitri might've been unaffected by my giving up with our relationship, but it was taking a toll on me.

_I'm busy tonight. Maybe Lissa is free? - R_

Before hitting send, I sighed and deleted the comment about Lissa. I didn't want to seem jealous.

I remembered how I felt yesterday, and sobered up.

A chance for us to get back together was hopeless, but it wasn't his fault.

He couldn't get away from his guilt and inner demons. I could understand that.

Sending just the first sentence about being busy, I closed the phone up and waited for a response though one never came.

He might've thought I was blowing him off because he didn't confide in me, but it wasn't just that. I was on duty. I had a guardian assignment again. Yeah, I'll admit, I was annoyed and hurt by him not wanting me to know. I had said that if he cared for me ever at all, he would tell me, and he hadn't. That was that. He didn't love me anymore, because he said he couldn't.

Nothing could change that, and I was done trying to.

There was only hope for one thing left: his healing. If I couldn't have his love, then I could at least have some peace if he was back to his old self again.

Maybe he'd find someone else, maybe he'd regain his guardian title.

Despite everything, what I really wanted was for him to be happy.

It was just like when I had told him to take Tasha's offer. I put him before myself, because I loved him deeply... I still did.

But, I needed to put myself first with some aspects. I had said I needed to do that many times and I finally was. I was taking a stand and holding up with it. I'd set him free. Maybe if I stopped trying to wheedle my way back into his heart he wouldn't feel pressured anymore and would start his healing process.

Sure, I would probably feel pretty miserable when I slept with him again but I swore I'd get him back to himself.

I needed to do that so I didn't feel like a complete failure.

* * *

**A/N: **Sometimes I feel like its hard to understand why Rose is doing this, so I try to explain her reasoning as much as I can. I feel like she doesn't understand some of it herself, so that's why she keeps explaining to herself why she is doing it in the first place.

I hope it all makes sense. Next chapter hasn't been written yet, but hopefully we'll meet the new guardian? Some time will pass between this chapter and that, so maybe Dimitri and Rose will meet up again?

Tell me what you think!


	12. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer: **RM owns VA.

**A/N: **Sorry for the long wait! I wrote this earlier this week, but was so busy that I just couldn't get it out! I had to edit and include my little author's note and disclaimer. I hope it was worth the wait! Thanks for the reviews and thanks for reading :)

_**Introductions**_

"Henry Marek, pleasure to meet you," Lissa's new guardian said, holding out his hand to me.

I stared at it, narrowing my eyes. Looking him over, I decided that he didn't look as shabby as I had pictured in my head. He looked pretty powerful to me, actually. He had a good few inches on me, and was most definitely larger than I was.

While he had big muscles, he wasn't anywhere near a bodybuilder or something. He looked like the majority of guardians did - just a bit more muscular. Almost opposite his body was his face. His facial features were soft and that of an innocent creature.

After a moment of observation, I decided it was his large eyes that made him look boyish.

I made a weird sound, as if to show I was sizing him up. He pulled his hand away awkwardly and let it fall to his side. From that moment on, he seemed to appear less confident than he had initially come off.

I almost smirked. "I'm Guardian Hathaway. I'm sure Hans has filled you in on the details of your _temporary_ position?"

Henry raised eyebrow and looked out of his element. If he was going to be Lissa's guardian, he needed to toughen up and let his attitude match that body of his. I could practically see how much I intimated him. Hans obviously made a mistake in choosing him. Ugh. This was so unfair. This guy was going to watch over Lissa, while I was following Adrian around court like a lost puppy.

"Temporary?" He asked, confusedly, and then pulled out a paper from his pocket. He unfolded it and read over it. After taking a second to look it over, he looked up. "It doesn't say that here. I am now officially Vasilisa Dragomir's head guardian. Hans -"

"No, no, no." I said, cutting him off. It was time to set him straight. This wasn't my best week, and I didn't want to deal with any issues between this guy and I. The only reason I was here today was to scope out the competition, but as it seemed, he was no match for me. I could easily earn my job back, if he was my main opponent. "I'm Lissa's head guardian. You'll be my second in command once I get my job back."

"And when will that be?" he asked, going along with what I was saying. He was smart not to go against me.

"I'm not sure yet, but very soon. You can count on that."

He looked at his paper again, and ran a hand through his wavy blonde hair. "Well, alright, then. Until then, I am her only guardian, correct?"

I bit my lip and nodded.

A smile came to his lips. "So I'm her head guardian for now..."

Rolling my eyes, I slipped a hand into my pocket - to get my phone - and pressed ignore to whoever was calling me. I was preoccupied with this guy and whoever it was would have to wait a couple minutes.

"Don't be a smart ass." I said, surprising my own self.

It had only been a couple days since I had become Adrian's guardian, and already I was becoming more like him - more like myself. I was starting to return to my role as the witty, loud mouthed girl who acted before she thought things through. While that wasn't always a great quality, I was so happy that my transformation was beginning.

It had been a recent goal of mine to get back to normal, and it was slowly happening, with the help of my unlikely new friend, Adrian Ivashkov.

Our new relationship was one of friends. I wasn't sure how he felt about me, but he appeared to be okay with how things were playing out between us. We'd been to the bar a couple nights this week and had spent time acting like two buddies talking while putting down a beer.

I had filled him in on a couple things, and all the while he actually listened without seeming to pass much judgement. Sure, he'd fit in a sarcastic line here and there, but that was Adrian. I would never change that.

It felt like I was returning to the person that existed before all of this horrible stuff happened. Before Dimitri was turned, before I had to go after him, before I became his blood whore, before my emotions were up and down.

As Henry walked away to greet another guardian, I sighed, turning around to leave the room.

Today was his first day at court, and this was his welcoming party. I had almost scoffed when Hans had sent me a letter about it. It was more of a boring office meeting than a party, as the letter had stated. There were no signs or balloons, but instead, a table with a few healthy foods and a room with a good amount of guardians that Hans had probably forced to come.

Hans was the type of person who wanted to make sure new guardians felt welcome...then once they were feeling good about deciding to work at court, he would turn back to his annoying self and you were stuck.

Before walking out, I grabbed a carrot and chomped on it as I left.

My full purpose to coming to this "welcoming party" was to check him out. He didn't reach my standards yet, but I hadn't seen him fight, so I couldn't really say anything yet. If his fighting was anything like his first impression, then I was sure he'd be nothing special. His looks were probably the only thing he had going for him.

I laughed at my own thoughts and fished out my phone to check who had been trying to reach me.

_One Missed Call - Lissa._

Instead of calling her back, I walked over to her room - where I knew she was. I was technically supposed to be with Adrian, but he was practicing spirit with Lissa in her room so I knew he was okay.

After a long hiatus on trying to make advancements in spirit, the two of them had only just a couple days ago decided to get back into it.

When I had asked Lissa about it, she had said she didn't feel one hundred percent comfortable being around him with how things had ended out between Adrian and I, but now that we were on good terms, she felt it was okay to go forward. My heart had warmed at that. She was a good friend - so good, that she'd put me first and had tried to avoid putting me in a weird position.

Soon enough, I was entering the room.

I nodded to the real temporary guardian Lissa had. He was just a court guardian and would soon be replaced by Henry Marek. How fun it would be once that happened, I thought.

A flash of light caught my attention and I followed it.

Christian, Lissa, Adrian, and to my surprise, Dimitri, were all sitting together around a table. It was almost deja vu. There were a couple plants on the table and one looked shriveled and burnt. By the smirk on Christian's face, I assumed that he had just set it on fire - giving explanation to the flash of light I had seen.

Both Adrian and Dimitri looked up at my arrival. My eyes flashed over Dimitri for one moment before turning to Adrian. I walked over and sat down beside my Moroi. He smiled at me.

"Little dhampir, watch this."

Then he proceeded to lift his hands and place them over the plant. I waited a couple seconds for something to happen.

Nothing did.

Christian busted out laughing from across the table, where he sat beside Lissa. Adrian glared at him and threw his hands down. "Hey! Quit that, Ozera."

Lissa nudged Christian and then shot a look at me. She leaned over the table and whispered in my ear as Adrian and Christian argued, "I tried calling to warn you he was here." My eyes ran over Dimitri, who seemed almost as out of his element as Henry had looked earlier. He sat stiffly in a chair at the head of the table. His eyes were on the shriveled plant. He didn't seem to be paying much attention to what was going on.

But at least he was making an effort. At least he was here, right?

I pulled back and shrugged. "It's not a big deal. I'm okay."

Clearing my throat, I tried to hide my true emotions and thoughts behind my mask. As far as Lissa knew, I had only slept with Dimitri twice. I hadn't told her we had had sex more than that. I didn't tell her we had come to have some sort of agreement to sleep together on occasion.

There wasn't a real reason why I didn't tell her. It wasn't because I didn't trust her or because I was ashamed. Well, okay, maybe I was a little ashamed, but I was more afraid of what she'd say.

This was a secret between Dimitri and I.

When Christian and Adrian were done shooting remarks to one another, I realized what had gone on. Christian had been heating the plant up as Adrian was healing, so it was basically cancelling out his power.

It made sense. I had actually been surprised when nothing had happened, because Adrian had been used a couple times to heal people. He wasn't the greatest like Lissa, but he had made some people better when they were injured. I guess he still needed practice?

My main question was why they were still healing plants.

"I thought you had healing down, Adrian?"

He shook his head. "I can heal, but not as good as Lissa can. Plus, I don't want to keep learning more stuff while she's still trying to learn her first power from me. Wouldn't be fair. I'm supposed to be helping her too."

"Oh..." I mumbled, realizing that it made sense. Lissa still hadn't been able to learn dream walking.

Standing up, I headed over to the kitchen. I knew watching Adrian heal could get pretty boring really soon, so I figured I'd busy myself with something.

Once in the kitchen, I opened the cooler and pulled out a beer. One wouldn't do me in, so I had to limit myself to that, because I was still technically on duty. I knew we'd be here for the rest of the day, so any lasting effects from the beer - if I did decide to drink more - would wear off by the time we left. Or, if worst came to worst, Adrian and I would just stay the night here. Lissa had plenty of room, and I was sure she wouldn't mind.

I popped it open and sipped, almost spilling it on myself when a voice sounded from behind me.

"What's that?" I jumped, almost like I'd been caught doing something bad.

Turning around, I met the eyes of Dimitri.

His eyes seemed judgmental and for a moment I felt like I did back when he had caught me making out with Jesse at the academy. Then I realized he wasn't my teacher anymore and he no right to look at me like he was.

"A beer." I replied bluntly, taking another drink. I downed it quickly and felt the urge to reach for another one.

As I stared down at the empty can, I groaned internally. I had drunken that fast. Initially, I had wanted it to last a while, instead of downing it in less than a minute! I guess Dimitri could make me nervous enough for me to drink quickly. Maybe it was a coping mechanism, a habit to make myself feel more comfortable.

Dimitri looked me over, and approached. Taking the beer can out of my hand, he set it down the counter and cornered me. I backed up, not sure where he was going with this, or what he was going to do. I opened my mouth to speak when he shushed me and place a hand over my lips.

"Don't make any noise," he whispered, glancing behind him once. There was only a door parting Dimitri and I and the rest of us.

I looked at him curiously, trying not to be effected by his close proximity. True to my word, I had indeed slept with him this past week. It had been mostly okay for me. I had left straight after, so it was easier for me to push it aside.

"Since when do you drink?" he asked, still speaking softly.

I was taken back by the question. I had expected something else. Why did we need to stay quiet about this. Why did it matter if the rest overheard this?

"I've been drinking long before I met you, Dimitri."

He shook his head. "But that was before..."

"Before what?"

"Before you matured. You don't drink anymore." Some part of my felt somewhat disappointed with his answer.

"How would you know? It's not like we spend any real time together." I cursed myself, wanting to take back my last sentence. It wasn't called for and it was bringing up the same old argument I'd tried so hard this past week to overlook and avoid.

And, I had actually been doing pretty well with that.

"I'm not going to respond to that."

"Good. I didn't mean to say it."

There was a moment of silence in the kitchen. And then the atmosphere seemed to change.

"So, you're guarding Adrian now."

I nodded.

"How's that going for you so far?"

I shrugged, feeling a little odd with our normal conversation. If this had been before everything had happened, then it would feel like another normal day, but since things had been said and we had both changed in different ways, the conversation seemed weird. It felt out of place. "It's fine. You know, it's only temporary."

He nodded before placing both hands on either side of my body to lean on the counter. I was trapped in between his hands as he leaned in just a little bit closer. It was quiet as he looked into my eyes and seemed to be at war with himself on something.

After what seemed like a forever of silence, he hesitated before saying, "Rose..."

I held onto his word and waited for something else to come but it never did, because in that moment, Lissa walked into the kitchen.

As she stared at us curiously, Dimitri and I looked back at each other. The both of us looked just as unsure about what Dimitri was going to say.

Well, at least I wasn't the only one.

* * *

**A/N: **Well, don't leave me hanging! What did you think? And, before you freak, don't worry. I don't plan on there being any romance between Henry and Rose. And I applaud Rose for seeming to stick to her words so far. She seems to be trying really hard to be unattached. But are there some bad habits that are helping her with that?


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